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“Everything I say to you is confidential, isn’t it?”
This is one of the first questions our new clients usually ask us. The answer, of course, is yes. Nothing a client tells us is ever divulged to anyone.
But I’ve found it interesting that so many people are concerned that others will find out about their beliefs. One obvious reason is that, for us, they aren’t beliefs; they are true statements about us. As a result, most of us are embarrassed about having such beliefs as I’m not good enough, I’m not important, and I’m powerless. And we don’t want anyone to know these “truths” about us.
But there is another assumption many of us have: These terrible things that are true about us aren’t true about anyone else. We are among the few people who were born to be not good enough, not important, not loveable, and not worthy. If other people—who are good enough, important, loveable, and worthy—knew we weren’t, they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with us. On the other hand, if we thought that many others also had our negative beliefs, then having them might not be quite as embarrassing.
Well, based on our experience with well over 13,000 live clients and 100,000 people who have used our on-line programs, I am convinced that very few people escape childhood without having a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs.
Let me explain why.
The source of our negative self-esteem beliefs
As little kids we are always asking, “Why?” Sometimes we ask our parents to explain things to us and sometimes we ask ourselves, “Why am I being treated like this? Why is my life like this?” We answer these questions for ourselves (unconsciously) during the first few years of life. Because our parents are the people with whom we spend most of our waking hours, they are involved in most of the experiences that lead to our fundamental beliefs.
And what are those experiences in most households? Parents, being adults, generally like quiet; children are not quiet and cannot even understand why anyone would value quiet. Parents generally want their house to be neat; young children don’t even understand the concept of “neat.” Parents want to sit down for dinner when it is ready and before it gets cold; children are almost always doing something that is far more important to them and don’t want to stop doing it when their parents call them. Etc.
In other words, most parents usually want their children to do things that they are developmentally incapable of doing. They want their young children to act like little adults, which they cannot possibly do.
The question is not, Do children frequently “disobey” their parents? Children are developmentally incapable of living up to most parents’ expectations. The only question is how parents react when their children are not doing what the parents want them to do, when they want, or the way they want.
And because few parents go to parenting school and most bring their own beliefs from their own childhoods with them, their reactions range from annoyance and frustration to anger and physical abuse, with every possibility in between.
Virtually all of us have lots of negative self-beliefs
I think there are three primary reasons why the source of self-beliefs is always interactions with parents as a young child and not people or events later in life.
- First, as children we depend on them for our very survival; on some level we feel that we have to be able to trust them to survive. In other words, we assume they must have good reasons for treating us as they do.
- Second, as adults, they seem to know how to navigate reality and we know we can’t. (What do all kids say? “When I grow up, then I’ll be able to ….”) So they must know what they are doing and their behavior must be “correct.” If I don’t like how I’m treated, it must be my fault.
- Third, all children pass through a stage of development in which they are totally narcissistic, in other words, the world revolves around them. (This is a normal part of human development; if adults are still stuck at this level we call their narcissism a psychological problem.) Children experience the outside world as an extension of them. They are responsible for everything, including mom’s and dad’s behavior.
The source of specific self-beliefs
Here is the common source of a few negative self-esteem beliefs.
- If my parents are critical of me, I must be doing something wrong, it must be my fault. I’m not good enough.
- If I can’t get them to spend the time with me that I want or if they are physically around but not paying attention to me, it must be my fault. I’m not important.
- If I can’t get them to give me what I want most of the time, it must be my fault. I’m not worthy or deserving.
- If my parents make all the decisions that affect my life and they don’t allow me any say, I have no control over my life. I’m powerless.
If we could all recognize that few of us escape childhood without forming a bunch of negative self-esteem beliefs, we would better understand why we and others act the way we all do, we would not be embarrassed to have these beliefs, and we would be more willing to acknowledge them and eliminate them.
Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.
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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limitinself-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.
For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
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Hi Morty,
I’m working through the Natural Confidence DVD program, (trying to get rid of a fear of public speaking), and it seems to be going well enough – I feel a little more confident as a person, I care a little less what others think of me, etc. – but with certain beliefs, such as “I’m powerless,” which I just got to, I could swear I have the belief, it feels real to me and I answer “yes” to all of your discerning questions to figure out if I have it, but when it comes time to write down my experiences as a child that would have lead to this belief, none of the examples you give match with anything in my childhood, and I can’t recall any similar experiences that would have lead to the belief. But I KNOW I have it, I just can’t for the life of me figure out where it would have come from. Is it at all ever possible for a belief such as “I’m powerless” to come from somewhere else, besides experiences with your parents?
Thanks a lot Morty,
John
I have just eliminated that belief myself.
Just ask yourself. Did your parents gave you the option “to choose” when you were a kid? Or you had to do it “their way”? If you refuse to do what they wanted you to do. Did they usually say “Do it or else…”, “Do it because I’m the mother/father”, “do it because I say so”. It’s about you having power to affect your life. I hope it helps. Good luck!
Ok I agree with you, and so…?The point here is HOW TO BE FREE FROM THOSE LIMITING BELIEFS.Please don´t ask me to try your system I have been doing it for 4 years and in fact NOTHING HAPPENED.thank anyway
Thank you Morty
Hi Morty,
I just “discovered” you yesterday and I’m really enjoying reading your blog and watching your videos on YouTube.
I’ve been a lifecoach for many years and have worked with beliefs to help people live better lives and have more of the experiences they want to have. After hearing your message I realize I have not been as thorough as I could be when removing beliefs up to this point. I use several energy modalities as well and often will shift into energy work after doing some belief work, and I’m thinking that I need to stay more focused on beliefs until 100% are cleared around any specific issue or problem. I’m excited to see what results show up when I do that moving forward.
Your video with Joe Vitale really showed me how important that is. I use self muscle testing as a guidance tool during sessions so I am used to being able to test when the belief has been cleared. I can even test to know how many there are to identify. So, I’m very excited to apply what I’ve learned just from reading and watching you on video. I’m also looking forward to reading your blog fully.
Thanks for being an expert on this, and for making it your life’s work. Your wealth of experience and insight is invaluable to every person on the planet. I hope to get to meet you in person some day.
Blessings,
Paul
Morty,
If I set the basis out for my own problems, it would take a month of Sundays, and make most of Dicken’s slum kids look princes to what and how I feel.
Bascially, one of 10 kids, brought up in the lowest slums of Tyneside, UK, and thrown into a Convent when I was 5.
Sometimes no shoes, sometimes no socks etc, even when I did get them, they were hand me downs.
No interest from parents, my father was 50 when I was born, my mother 40. She worked hard, but we just got by from hand to mouth.
WW2 started, I was evacuated to an area of safety, that was a joke, Barrow in Furness, Germans bombed it nearly every night. It was a shipyard, and we were quite close.
People I was sent to did not want me, nor really I suppose did I want them. I was most unhappy.
But as time went by, I was billeted with a nice family, and I grew to have a great affection and respect for them. One day, a Saturday, I got up and looked forward to my usual Saturdays, just doing errands and getting couple of pence pocket money which I did not mind. Money just did not matter to me really. Anyhow, I came into the kitchen, and there was this white headed man in a dark suit sitting there, I really did not know him.
The lady, Aunt Mary I called her, said this is your father, I was polite and said hello. Then the bombshell dropped, she went on, he has come to take you home. Just like that.
Home was now London, and bombing was the name of the game, and no supervision or family love to speak of. Things just went haywire, my personality seemed to alter very quickly. I think I would call myself …despicable, a real little troublemaker, and not a thought for anyone.
My one wish was that I had never left where I had lived for the last 2 years, I was no 11, and back to the rags in an area where kids were reasonably dressed and I think were loved by their parents.
I have since then tried every religion to see if that would help. I had to get married when I was 19, not even on a man’s wage, and so life has gone on since that time, at the age of 80, and now a widower living alone, I wonder sometimes………….I wish I could put the clock back to when I was with Aunt Mary in the Lake District in the UK, and would I have turned out a decent person, one I could respect, self respect.
That is just an outline, but I do get your emails and think, I would never see if you heard my full story if you could offer any help. I just cannot see it.
In the book, I have done everything wrong, no real reason, just did them wrong. You name it Morty, I did it, even sometimes finishing up in prison for no real reason, simply I was suspected of something and spent a fortnight in solitary confinement in Brixton Prison. The window was too high to look out of. I was not allowed any books.
If you help people Morty, then good luck to you and them, but I simply read the e-mails then just let it go.
Kind regards.
Eddy McKenzie.
Hi Morty, I fight every day of my life to maintain a positve self-image. I was molested as a child by my uncle who was the dominant person in our family. My grandparents always looked to him for advice, my mother and her sister (his wife) adored him and I thought my uncle could conquer the world. He was a 6″3″, decorated soldier with a beautiful smile, deep dimples and a great personality – everybody in the neighborhood liked or loved him.
However, at night he would molest me and my older sister. During the day, he acted as though everything was normal. I thought everyone knew what was happening to me – but they all acted normal too. I thought – this must be okay, (eventho I secretly hated myself) so I took the lead of the adults around me and I acted normal as well. I remember being so fearful that my friends would find out, or worse, my mother would find out and I would really be in trouble. I learned how to cover-up my fears for many years with the same big smile he would give me at the breakfast table.
I wanted to tell my mother or my aunt – I wanted them to make him stop, but in our household, children were seen and not heard- children were not allowed to have a voice or an opinion. If you dared to question an adult or “God Forbide” accuse an adult, well, you would certainly pay a steep penalty in near-death beatings. which were pretty abundant in our household. I was more afraid of the anger I saw in my mother when I did something she didn’t like. My father abandoned us when I was 6 years old and she seemed to always be angery after that. She often beat me with a lot of anger and obvious disgust in my behavior saying “you are just like your father – you will never amount to anything”. So of course, I believed her and proceeded to live out my youth, teen and adult years in a very rebellious manner.
Miraculously, I have been able to survive my lifestyle eventho it continues to be a challange for me to believe that I am important, worthy and lovable. I wanted someone to hear me and help me. Thank you Morty for your expertise and your website., I have been able to eliminate a negative belief and anxious to purchase your products. I look forward to future blogs and comments. Thank you so much for giving people like me a voice.
Hi Kathleen,
I’m glad that my work has proved useful to you. Unfortunate your story is all too common. But as bad as the circumstances were when you were a child, they are in the past. The events are not affecting you any more. What’s affecting you today is the meaning you ascribed to the events, in other words, the beliefs you formed at the time.
Get rid of the beliefs, and your childhood will be over, for good.
Love,Morty
Morty, thnx for all the wonderful insights, they have helped me tremendously. You have taught me to take life, its events and what people say and do not so seriously. It is not at all about me (how narcissistic I was!), people do things and things happen for many reasons, many of them for reasons way outside of my knowledge or control. The only thing I control is me. It has made my life so much lighter. I now want my 14 year old to live life that way from the start and not damage or limit her in any way. Do you have posts for parents to teach them how NOT to instill negative beliefs? Do you also have posts especially directed at teenagers? thnx again for the things you share with us.
Hi Bianca,
My wife Shelly has a course for parents that does exactly what you want. There also is a lot of free information on her site: http://parentingthelefkoeway.com.
Love,Morty
Hi Morty! You are very knowledgeable… and I love reading your posts.
The only thing that bothers me is the feeling of “blaming” parents that I get when reading them. Not necessarily that you are actually promoting that idea, but I get the feeling whenever I read your posts, it’s a subtle thing. And the reason it probably bothers me is that I come from a family of 8 children, with poor parents, who did the best they could. But 2 of my siblings want to blame their whole lives on those 2 uneducated people who did their best for all their children. And I get the feeling that if they read your posts, they would feel they were being agreed with, and it really WAS our parent’s fault. In my opinion, they should take responsibility for their own lives… after all they are the adults now.. but they continue with their victim roles… blame, blame, blame. Always someone elses’s fault.
I guess I am saying that if the atmosphere of your posts were more that, yes parents make mistakes, they don’t know everything, but it’s not their fault, they are doing the best they can! And maybe more of a slight leaning towards the advice that people have to take responsibility for their own well being and stop blaming their parents.
I know for sure that I would never send these posts to either of my siblings, (one male and one female), because I wouldn’t want them to read them. I know they would feel vindicated, and say, see, I told you it was mom and dad’s fault the way I am today!!! I just don’t want to hear it… that’s all I have heard from them for 40 years!!
Maybe it’s just me… maybe others don’t feel that subtle vibe that stirs up a small niggling discomfort inside me when I read the posts. I love your work, and it has caused me to think differently about my beliefs… but still I get that little annoying unsettled feeling in my stomach about blaming parents for my actions and the way I am progressing through this life.
I try to life my life on purpose, and to ask myself occasionally, “is this the experience that I am here on the planet to have?” Especially when I see 90% of the population rushing through the maze of their every day… in a rat race so aptly named by someone, not putting any thought as to whether the rush, rush, rush life is really,….. I mean really,…… what they are here to experience!
Life is a one-shot deal… when it’s over.. if it wasn’t what you wish it had been, you have no one to blame but yourself! Oh, you can try to blame your parents, but what good will it do you… it’s over anyway, and only you could have made it a different experience!
Hi Ashley,
It is true that the source of most of our self-esteem beliefs is our parents. But the source of our problems today is not what our parents did and said, but the meaning we gave what they did and said. So we always have the ability to eliminate our beliefs, thereby keeping our parents’ behavior from affecting us at all.
I make this point in most posts so people don’t blame their parents. In fact when people eliminate beliefs and realize that their parents were only acting consistently with their own beliefs, people usually feel more compassionate about their parents.
Love, Morty
Wow Ashley, you should write a book detailing this. This idea that we should forgive our parents for their poor parenting skills is fantastic. I think it is very freeing and puts me on the path to a better emotional state. Sure, my parents made mistakes but they were under a lot of financial pressure, just like every young parent, and their reaction was to control the children, yell and spank, now it makes sense to me. I forgive you mom and dad, we should all say these words and move on to better our lives ourselves.
So true.. That being said, it takes a lot of pressure off my shoulders! Someone once taught me to change the questions I ask myself… instead of ‘why am I not important?’ to ‘why am I so loved?’… In doing so, it seems like our brain naturally answers any question we give it, so be mindful of what you are asking yourself ;)