Are you trying to get better?

Morty,

Let me be frank. I have been not merely struggling with these types of thoughts and feelings, but have been utterly failing at eliminating them for over thirty years of my life.

Now, at 46, and having been married to a wonderful woman–who was worth waiting 30 plus years to find (sometimes it *does* take that long to find the right one), I am still ‘utterly failing’ and it has become a pain to my mate in our relationship.

She doesn’t always say it, but she has listened to me many a time, and it all comes down to this: “I wish I could help you, I really want to help you.” What she’s intimating–and one doesn’t have to be a Freud or a Jung to figure it out–is that she’s, effectively, done all she can for her husband up to this time, and, although she will be there to support me emotionally, I’ve got to do the rest of the work.

Also, I’m learning-disabled, on social security disability, and unemployed. I’ve tried going to college–in fact, am enrolled in a business administration program through an online school, using student aid–but I still struggle with all the issues I had whilst in high school–and am also re-living the emotional angst and traumas each day I’m logged in to the university.

This creates a continual vicious circle/cycle of dysfunctional thought behavior that inhibits my innate creative potential from showing itself, completely, fully, totally. Now, my disability issues appertain to certain organizational and mathematical deficits. I also have A.D.D. My main strengths are that I learn visually instead of through direct computation, and I write like a demon–at least when I’m motivated. My main area of writing interest is fiction, although I do entertain some thoughts to technical writing.

I’m also thoroughly enmeshed in computer technology, and have a fervent interest in a technically-oriented sub-branch of geography called geomatics, which is, putting it simply, electronic mapping and charting. It is also known as Geographical Information Science, or GIS.

I have self-taught myself the GNU/Linux operating system, and have experience with several linux distributions. I use Windows, of course–who doesn’t–but my main focus is open source/free software. There are a lot of free mapping and charting programs to use, so I have them downloaded, to both OS’s.

So, as you can see, I have some intelligence. Yet, I’m still unemployed, and have such a hard time getting through to a solution to what should be–relatively speaking–simple problems to solve within a given discipline, that I don’t see through to the solution, because all the negative emotions are forming a mental roadblock I just can’t punch through or tear down.

It’s debilitating for me! I am looking for a new career, and this state of mind/being is devouring me inside, eating me up a little bit each day. I’ve taken an official leave of absence from school, both to reconsider my academic and vocational paths, as well as to “clean up the mess in side my mental house!”

I have not found a solution so far. I also have money issues, and do not have good credit–as you might guess with all these emotional and belief issues: “I’m not able to get a loan, as I’m not good with money, and have bad credit–which I’ll never be able to change, as I haven’t been able to change it in the last thirty years, so it will stay the same. . .etc.”

That’s the kind of internal self-talk that runs through my head all the time. I play the keyboard (electronic piano) for my own enjoyment (wish I could play at a professional level one day), and have music and song running through my mind a lot. Sometimes these negative thoughts work their way into my singing them out loud. What this does is synergize–as music is wont to do–through the music/negative thought energy patterns, a Complete Failure Mode, readymade, turn-key.

Morty, I’m miserable. I do have positive moments, and can be very creative with my music, which tends toward the easy-listening/smooth jazz genre, and I love it! I feel very relaxed when I play, but I still can’t realize my truest potential for bringing tears to the eyes of thousands through my musical strains, especially when I am feeling so bad about myself all the time.

I’ve “learned to self-sabotage ” my highest efforts with internal negative self-talk, and it’s more powerful than any “power of positive thinking” program, as it’s got thirty plus years of seniority inside my head. Oh what I wouldn’t give for a change!

I have a few goals I’m working toward this summer, one of which is to purchase a new scooter for a trip back to my home state of Michigan this fall. The thing costs about $10,000.00 dollars, so it’s a lofty goal. I really need to re-visit some old places, as well as relatives, as I need a break. I want to find a good job and start saving. Whether or not I do it by my target date of Sept. 28, 2012–I’ve set it up as an event on my Facebook account–will depend on whether or not I can alleviate my ‘internal suffering’ and create a state of internal harmony which will allow me to either get a good paying job which will allow me to achieve that lofty motorcycle goal, or publish something that will set me up for a while, at least enough to start putting money in the bank.

A lot on my plate… Some goals, both academic and material. A need for money. The usual suspects. So what can I do? I’m looking for an holistic solution, a one-off, one-time methodology that I don’t have to do too much thinking upon. I just want to “do it,” like in the Nike commercials.

Well, that’s it. Thank you for reading this. If you can suggest some things, I would be deeply grateful.

Warm Regards,
Stephen A. Brown
Jefferson City, Missouri