It’s hard to see where you’re going with a foggy windshield.
Every so often I get into my car on a cold morning and the windows are covered with dew. I can’t see in front of me. I can’t see behind me. If I tried to back out, I wouldn’t see a pedestrian in my driveway. If I tried to drive onto the main road, I wouldn’t see if a car was was ahead of me. I’d probably crash into something.
So I get out of the car, wipe down the windows, then get back in before I take off.
It’s pretty obvious. You wouldn’t drive your car if your windows weren’t clear. But how many of us live our lives with our vision of reality obscured in one way or another?
I’m talking of course about the meanings-in-the-moment we all give to reality, something we call occurrings. These meanings keep us from being in touch with what’s actually happening and cause us to have negative feelings such as fear and anger.
For example, a past student in the Lefkoe Freedom Course, told me the following story.
While I was leaving a parking lot, a woman pulled out of her space and crashed into my car. I noticed the meaning I was giving the event “this woman is an idiot” and only partially dissolved it, so I was still annoyed. But in the past I would have been screaming and yelling, so a minor annoyance is a big improvement.
Instead, I just stood and looked at the damage, and then chatted calmly to the woman, eventually giving her a hug and telling her ‘It’s ok, you didn’t mean to do it’.
What can we tell from her story?
That being in touch with reality allows you to respond more effectively to events. It’s like clearing your windows before you drive. When you can see reality you can navigate your life much more effectively … and formerly “stressful” situations become something you can handle with greater ease. You gain a quiet mind.
So how do you dissolve a meaning that’s causing you a negative feeling of your own? Use the following steps of the Lefkoe Freedom Process:
- Think of an event that you still have negative feelings about.
- Uncover the meaning you’ve given to the event.
- Notice that the meaning and the event are two separate things. Focus your mind on this distinction.
- Notice if the meaning goes away. If the meaning is gone, look inside to see if the feeling has gone as well.
Of course there are many nuances to this technique. There are ways to troubleshoot if you notice that the feeling has not gone away. But this is the starting point.
So try the Lefkoe Freedom Process and see if it works for you. Then post a comment about how effective it was.
Also, if it didn’t work for you, please post the details of the exercise so that I can give you some coaching to improve your results.
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How do I get rid of the anger from all the abuse from a long time relationship with a narcissist. They are just plain evil and do stuff intentionally to break and control you. I know I will never get closure and I am not willing to forgive. I can forgive mistakes, not intentional harm long term. But I would like to know how to quell the enormous anger from the betrayal.
There’s a great satisfaction to be gained in moving on from toxic people. I was trapped with one for 15 years and it took a lot out of my life. All that pain and hate and conflict. Eventually I was able to cut the ties and move on.
They will always have to live with themselves. That’ is their punishment. I’m just happy to be free of that person and have my own life back. They can’t own me or have any more of my life now, and my feeling of hate have gone.
If anything I feel sorry for them. Do I forgive them? Well… sort of. Not quite. I just don’t really look at it that way anymore. i realize that I got myself into that mess. Maybe if I hadn’t met that person I would have met someone else equally awful. Maybe I needed to learn that lesson.
The important thing is- I forgive myself for getting mixed up with them, And I realize that there’s no punishment I could ever give them that that would be worse than the crappy headspace that they have to live in every day. I’ve moved on and am free of their world of hate, fear, and constant war, and that’s all that matters.
Gaining mental freedom from them is better than any sort of revenge could ever be. That’s the thing to work towards, IMO. Good luck!
SOS: How do I reconcile myself to an offer of a job promotion which requires move to another city. Will be leaving family behind missing birthdays – on the one hand want to please my coworkers and take the job; on the other- I want to be with my family.
I am not trying to make this complicated or over think it. I genuinely get that meaning and event are distinct. On this event though I can’t seem to separate the meaning/judgment from the CAUSE of the event. When my wife was in hospice dying of cancer I was still going to work each day until I mentioned it to my manager and he said get out of here and go be with your wife. I “understand” that I was afraid and in shock and denial. But I despise/judge my self, my character, for being like that. My meaning and belief is I am a piece of shit, etc. OK, I can drop that meaning, but the FACT remains the cause of the event was MY character and behavior. Maybe it is a matter of non-acceptance: I do not want to accept that I am the kind of person who could do that.
IN 2009 I got a ticket for not coming to a complete stop at a crosswalk while on my bike (the event). $125. While the officer was writing me a ticket at least 100 other bicyclists did the same thing. I was so angry (aaaah). The meaning I gave the situation was that he was mean, unfair and out to get me. I still feel angry and irritated and frustrated thinking about this.
I used to read a post every weak from Morty, but now a days, there is something missing.
i read again and again older post. but i need more.
if it is possible, make a new possibility to add new post ever week ? :)
Thanks for you effort
Im so sonfuse how to separate 2 things between meaning and event. Its so difficult. But sometime its work when i accept the event, althought i feel…(say negative feeling exactly) caused… (say the event specificly) i accept myself completly…i love my self completly with sincerity.
The steps mentioned are good. We would have to dissociative the mind from the situation, to be in the right state of mind to follow the above steps, which in itself is a Challenge.
This was a great refresher article. I have been accepting what happens in life without getting angry for a couple of years now. This is a huge improvement over my way of being over the last 50 years, but this article helped me see that I still have some negative feelings about some events. Better yet, I see why: it is because I am giving meaning to the event.
For example, I was looking forward to a date I had with a woman. She was to have dinner at my place, but didn’t show up. I shrugged it off, but I was still a bit hurt. That was because I was giving meaning to her not showing up. Thoughts like “She doesn’t respect me,” “She doesn’t really want to be with me,” “I went to a lot of trouble to plan the evening and that was inconsiderate” went through my head. All of that was made up in my mind.
Sometimes though, you will be disappointed or you will suffer a loss and experience grief. It is very difficult to just accept it without feeling anything. If you can, great, if not, just be with the grief and don’t make it mean anything.
How do you do when the event “still annoying” you is so overwhelming with different meanings? Like when being left for another woman within monthes of the birth of second child… It feels heroic and honestly rather unreachable to manage the mountain of negativity that arises from that and keeps on popping up. Ôm
Some events can be very sad like the loss of loved one. If you still don’t give the events meaning you will be able to take some action that you might not have even seen as possible before. It may not be easy but his leaving doesn’t mean anything about men, or that you won’t meet someone fabulous. The consequences may be difficult but we don’t know anything for sure about your future. I hope this helps. Love, Shelly
Mima my love, my ex left my 2 months before the birth of our 3rd child-but let me tell you my life is amazing and I’m glad he did or id still be stuck with a loser and feeling miserable everyday. Why am I so happy? Because it wasn’t about ME it was about him and so how can I be mad at him for effectively hurting him. I know he is at a loss everyday because of the mistakes he made and I know the universe will take care of him and so it’s not up to me to be bothered. That’s silly, I have beautiful children and a good life, why let him cloud my everyday with his deceit and stupidity-NO NO NO I am happy, let the shit leave, the universe knows you deserve better. Start thanking for the good you have and for the man that WILL come and kiss it all better. He is on the way I promise, this one was not worthy of you.
Stay strong 💛
Oh. I’m not used to leave comments and accordingly even less to get replies: thank you very much to you both, Shelly and Tamara, Your replies are heartfelt and warming. I am indeed aiming there and I also do think that it is ultimately a chance, at least for me, out of a non fully fulfilling relationship. Your comment Shelly, about the “meaning-fredom” allowing to take action differently is especially motivating to me to dig into the discipline of clearing each thought, one after the other, as long as they’ll occur… It will all turn out well. Thank you.