Have you ever noticed how most of us end up living our lives on autopilot?
I certainly have. We wake up, rush through our morning routine, hurry to work, handle our responsibilities, and before we know it, we’re exhausted at the end of the day—with nothing left for ourselves.
I was thinking about this recently while discussing self-care with my friend and colleague Letha. What struck me was how rarely we approach self-care with true intention.
Most of us live life based on what simply shows up.
Think about how relationships often unfold—you meet someone, enjoy their company, go on a few dates, and suddenly you’re in a relationship without ever intentionally designing what you want that relationship to be.
The same happens with our self-care. We have to go to work, run errands, drive the kids around, and handle a million tasks. With all these demands, we rarely stop to ask: “How do I want my self-care to look? What would it be like if I actually planned for it instead of just hoping I’ll find time?”
Why is being intentional about self-care so important?
Because we all have beliefs that keep our behavior on autopilot, these beliefs, often formed in childhood, determine what we do—and don’t do—without us even realizing it.
For instance, if you believe “other people’s needs are more important than mine” or “putting yourself first is selfish,” you’ll automatically prioritize everyone else’s needs over your own. Your self-care will always come last—if it comes at all.
One particularly powerful type of belief that can block self-care is what I call a “survival strategy belief.” These are beliefs that make us feel like we have to do something to be okay. Beliefs like “what makes me good enough is doing things perfectly” or “what makes me good enough is achieving.”
If I believe that achievements are what make me worthy, I’ll focus most of my energy there. Taking time for self-care will feel like an obstacle to achieving—something that’s getting in the way of what really “matters.” And so, even though I know self-care is important, I’ll keep putting it off.
I’ve learned that being intentional starts with stopping the automatic pattern.
Take a moment to truly think: “Am I taking care of myself?”
Consider the food you put into your body. Does it have positive energy? Is it clean and healthy? Does it make you feel alive? As one of my clients recently said, “A McDonald’s hamburger has negative energy, but a bowl of super greens salad has positive energy.” It made me smile, but there’s truth there.
Ask yourself: Are you putting good “fuel” in your body? Are you exercising regularly? Are you getting enough sleep?
For me, I’ve made an intentional choice about how I want to live. I want to be able to say “yes” when my daughter invites me hiking in Hawaii—without asking how high, how long, or how far. This makes me feel young, alive, and vibrant. I’m at the gym six days a week, and it’s not something I debate or think about. I just get up and go.
I remember my own mother always put us first.
Her belief was that prioritizing your children above all else was what a good mother did. But as a child, I actually wished she would take better care of herself. I wished she would do things for herself rather than just for me.
When I became a mother, I made a different choice. Sometimes I’d tell my kids, “What you want is very important, but Mommy needs to take a bath right now. I need to relax from the day, and then you’ll have a full mommy who’s ready to be with you instead of an exhausted mommy.”
I truly believe that when you’re at your best, you’re better at work, better as a parent, and better in your relationships. If your needs are being met, you’ll be more available to the people and responsibilities in your life because you’re okay.
One of the most common beliefs that keeps people from prioritizing self-care is simply “I’m not important.”
If you don’t think you have this belief, ask yourself: What makes you important? And if you didn’t do, be, or have that thing, would you still feel important?
When you truly know you’re important—when you don’t need to win, get straight A’s, achieve, or please people to matter—you naturally take better care of yourself. You just are important, period.
What beliefs are blocking you from self-care?
If you recognize that your self-care isn’t what you want it to be, the first step is to discover what beliefs are in your way.
What would someone have to believe to not exercise when they know it’s important? Or to regularly sacrifice sleep when they know it affects everything in their life? The answers reveal the beliefs blocking your path.
If you’re struggling to identify or change these beliefs on your own, I’d love to help. I’m offering free strategy sessions where we can clarify your goals, figure out what’s standing in your way, and determine if it makes sense for us to work together to create lasting change. Click here to schedule your session.
Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. And becoming intentional about it might be the most important gift you can give yourself and everyone who counts on you.
I felt my heart drop when my client told me last week, “I always knew I should take better care of myself, but I never realized how my beliefs were making that impossible.”
Let’s make sure that doesn’t happen to you.
