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If you’re reading this, you are probably interested in personal growth. And if you are interested in personal growth you’ve probably read a lot of books, taken a lot of workshops, and purchased a lot of programs. And if you are a typical buyer, you’ve probably been disappointed many times by the results. Right?
And what is your response when you don’t get the desired result? It’s got to be someone’s fault: Either what I purchased is not effective or it’s my fault.
Sad to say, some of the programs for sale in the personal growth market are not very effective and don’t work for most people. You have to be a smart shopper and check the reputation of the people you deal with before making a purchase. But the worst that happens if it’s “their” fault is that you lose a few bucks.
The alternative response when a program doesn’t work for you is much deadlier. “If the program is good and it didn’t work for me (or if I never got around to even using it), then it must be my fault. If a program that works for others doesn’t produce change in me, I must be in even worse shape than I thought.” This response just piles more guilt on the guilt we already felt for having the condition that led us to buy the product in the first place.
It’s not your fault and it’s not the fault of the program
Our behavior is determined primarily by our beliefs and the meaning we give events moment by moment, in other words, how events occur for us. (See my earlier post for more details on the relationship between beliefs and “occurrings,” https://www.mortylefkoe.com/beliefs-dont-behavior/#) As a result, if you read a really useful book, like Jack Canfield’s The Success Principles, you may not be able to apply his valuable strategies, which, if implemented, would help you get what you want in life. (This in not an affiliate link and I don’t get anything if you buy the book—except the satisfaction of knowing I helped someone find some useful information.)
It’s not Jack’s fault if you don’t get results because his strategies can work. And it’s not your fault because the beliefs I’m not good enough, I’m not capable, I’m not competent, and Mistakes and failure are bad, among others, can literally prevent you from acting on Jack’s good advice.
Any time you find yourself not doing what you know you should do or even what you want to do, recognize that you aren’t a bad person, a lazy person, or a forever hopeless person for not acting—only a person with limiting beliefs and destructive “occurrings.”
What’s upsetting is not our failures as such, but the meaning we give our failures. The purpose of today’s post is to help you shift that meaning by giving you an insight into “free will.” That is the first step to truly achieving freedom in your life.
What we feel and what we do is almost totally determined by our beliefs and occurrings at any given moment. On the other hand, we are free to choose to eliminate the beliefs and dissolve the occurrings that run our lives. That is where real free will lies, not in trying to override our beliefs and occurrings at the moment.
Beating yourself up for feeling anxious, angry or depressed—or for not doing what you know you should do—keeps you stuck in a never-ending loop of helplessness and hopelessness. Eliminating the source of your negative feelings and your inability to act is the first step to creating your life instead of merely living it.
Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.
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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to htp://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.
For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
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copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe
Hi Morty, thank you for your reply. It really gets me fascinated. Is it so that children mainly pick the same type of beliefs in a similar situation or what are the influencing factors for the type of belief we form? After all, there are people who mainly form negative beliefs about themselves and those who form them about others, like “I am powerless” versus “life is dangerous”. And I wonder. Even if the creation is unconscious of her/his “creator being-ness”, so to speak, the belief is formed by the “creator” in us, who can not be unconscious, can s/he? That creator space must choose the beliefs based on specific criteria and I wonder what they are. Designing our life lessons? And who determines those?
@ “And it’s not your fault because the beliefs I’m not good enough, I’m not capable, I’m not competent, and Mistakes and failure are bad, among others, can literally prevent you from acting…”
Being a “smart-ass” here, but: if it is true that we are the creators of our beliefs, ultimately, we formed those beliefs that now make us procrastinate. It may not be “our fault”, it’s not exactly wrong or an error, it’s just how we chose to believe. But we are the cause of the procrastination, or not? We created the beliefs that stop us.
Hi Joseann,
I’m distinguishing between fault/blame/bad and being responsible for what you did. Given our childhood we have little choice about the beliefs we form as children.
Love, Morty
Morty ,,, why can’t i download your “belief busting” videos. I wanted to download
them so I could go back and watch them over . I have a download manager, but
when I click on the videos, my download manager doesn’t open up for me to
download the video. Please tell me how I can download the videos. It would be very
much appreciated. Kenneth
Hi Kenneth,
The programs are only available as streaming video. They cannot be downloaded because of the nature of the program.
Sorry.
Love, Morty
Morty
once we get rid of a belief do we need to replace it with the positive version of it and as u said getting rid of the belief will not let any individual see any change in the world but if he gets rid of the problem will any thing show up ??
thank you
Mayuk
So true Morty. I have spent a lot of money on various personal growth programs and I say they all worked a little for me. I understand that personal growth is a process that takes time and my goal is to improve myself and not try to be perfect.
never blamed self or thought my fault, even when mum called me dumb stupid u cant do this that,growing up, cause wasnt up to her standards, stayed in room, or went & talked helped dad, saw that it was a conditioning had;
to be free to do anyhthing , don´t mean I will do it, just have freedom don´t make me better or free from this or that limit. Sorry , but you really don´t get the point, I you cannot helping me using this, try another way, please.I need the certainty that I will do anything and keep my force to continue if it was wrong, my fear to get up after a down is too big to allow me initiate anything, with fear of make mistake and don´t have place to go back
JOAO as far as I understand to be free to do anything means: you have no limit which would stop you or force you to do something. Your happiness no longer depends on the circumstances & therefore you are free to choose to do something just cause you choose to. As Alan Watts said something like a person who reaches certain state of consciousness is able to turn any kind of work into a walk.
I go into programs with the attitude that if I take 1 lesson away and can apply it, I will have been successful. Many times people buy courses and go to seminars to change their entire life over night… It doesn’t work that way… EVER.
The key is to learn and then to apply. This is a continuous process. If you can change one element of your life or business, you become a different person.
As for it not being their fault, I don’t believe that. It is their fault. They hold the limiting belief whether conscious or unconscious, that person is at fault. I am at fault when I engage in a negative behaviour due to my negative beliefs. It’s not that it’s not my fault, it’s that I’m not necessarily aware or that I know how to change it.
I think it’s important to distinguish “fault” from responsibility. It’s not your fault that you have subconscious programs that you most likely inherited as a child but it is your responsibility to change them. The cool thing about responsibility though is it is also distinct from blame which is part of the guilt game that keeps you enslaved.
I agree with Saskia. For years I confused fault with responsiblity. I am not at frault for what my parents, school bullies etc did and said. It was a great relief to realise this beacause, although it sounds illogical, I did blame myself for feeling this way. But I am responsible for what I do in order to cope, and overcome those frames and feelings.
What Morty said: … we are free to choose to eliminate the beliefs and dissolve the occurrings that run our lives. That is where real free will lies, not in trying to override our beliefs and occurrings at the moment…. is true.
What is not said here is that one of the reasons we often fail to change is because we are not aware of the higher level beliefs running the lower level ones. Our highest frames of reference are those we have given most importance to and often operate out of consciousness. Realising this, and realising that it i s more important to become aware of them, than blame myself for them – is a step forward.
This is so nice to read. It’s actually true for me. Ever since I’ve known about your work, I look at eeeeeveryone differently. How they are and what they do. And I know it’s not their fault. In that sense I suppose I’ve gained some maturity.