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This week I am going to tell you about an easy-to-play game that will enable you to banish negativity and victimhood from your life. If you actually play the game, I promise you will fundamentally transform your experience of life.
No meaning
This game requires you to really get that events have no inherent meaning—all events, all the time, without exception. If that’s real for you, fine. If it’s not, eliminate at least one limiting belief free using the Lefkoe Belief Process (LBP) at http://recreateyourlife.com.
It is useful to have used the LBP to eliminate at least one belief because during that Process you get a very clear experience that events have no inherent meaning. Not because I prove it to you or because it makes logical sense, but because you have a profound personal experience that events have no inherent meaning. Events might have consequences, but they have no meaning—in other words, you can’t draw any conclusions for sure from any event or series of events.
Here are the details of the game
The game consists of noticing all day long for the next seven days every time you experience a negative feeling, such as anxiety or anger. Then ask yourself what meaning you must have given some recent event to produce the negative feeling. Once you identify the meaning you gave to a meaningless event, make a clear distinction between the event in reality and the meaning you have given the event, which exists only in your mind.
When you make that clear distinction, you will dissolve the meaning that you unconsciously and automatically assigned to the event—in other words, how the event occurs for you.
Because meaningless events can’t produce feelings, most feelings are the result of the meaning we have given events. (Some feelings are caused by conditioning and moods.) Therefore, dissolving the meaning you have given an event will, at the same time, dissolve any negative feelings that are the result of that meaning.
Now, here is the final step: Imagine that several years later you are looking back at today’s event thinking how the event that originally had seemed so bad turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you. Describe in detail the many wonderful consequences of the event.
If you play the game for seven days you will notice that any sense of victimization and any negative feelings are significantly reduced. You will experience being a lot happier.
How’s that for giving yourself a Christmas gift that won’t cost you a cent?
A summary of the game
- Notice all negative feelings, all day long, for seven days.
- Ask yourself what meaning you gave something that just happened that produced the feeling you are having.
- Make a clear distinction between the event in the world and the meaning you gave the event, which exists only in your mind.
- When you make a clear distinction, the meaning dissolves, along with any feelings that had been caused by the meaning.
- Imagine yourself a few years in the future looking back at the event and describe in detail how that event led to so many wonderful things.
To view a short video that describes how to play this game, go to http://occurringcourse.com.
Here is an example of how to play the game
Imagine a friend of yours walks into a room you are in, notices you, and doesn’t say hello. Many people would experience that their friend is angry with them and get upset. In fact, all that happened in reality is the friend didn’t say hello. That he is angry is the meaning you have given to the event, which has no inherent meaning. Your anger is the result of the meaning you made up.
Next, you make a clear distinction between the event (your friend walking into the room and not saying hello) and how the event occurs to you (he is angry at me).
Making that distinction clearly will dissolve the meaning, leaving you only with the fact your friend didn’t say hello. And when the meaning disappears, the upset will also.
Looking back at that event from the future you might describe what happened subsequently: He called me the next day and explained that a great opportunity had just presented itself to him that he wanted to include me in, but he hadn’t worked out all the details yet and didn’t want to talk to me until he did.
More examples
Most of us have had events happen to us that appeared to be “bad” at the time and then later we realized they actually had been a good thing for us, we just hadn’t realized it at the time. I’ve had that happen many times to me.
For example, we had been renting a house since we arrived in California about nine years ago. We originally found a place near the high school we wanted our daughter Brittany to attend. Because we didn’t know where we wanted to settle after Brittany graduated, we decided to rent for a few years.
Eventually Brittany left for college, but our home was okay, in a good location, and it seemed too much work to pack up and move.
A little over a year ago our landlord let us know that he had refinanced the house we were living in and, when the market collapsed, he ended up owing much more on it than the current value. So he intended to walk away from the house and let the bank foreclose.
The letter from the bank asked us to get out and gave us a deadline only a few weeks away. We didn’t want to move at all, much less in a hurry. We had a house filled with furniture and other possessions, and a garage filled with boxes of “stuff.” It would take us weeks to get rid of what we didn’t want and pack the rest, find a new place to live, move in and unpack. Moving was clearly going to take a lot of time and effort. Most people would have agreed that our having to move was clearly a “bad” thing.
In fact, however, we after we moved we ended up in a nicer neighborhood with a bigger and more comfortable house. In the process of packing we got rid of a lot of junk we didn’t really need. And we are much happier in our new home than we were in the old one.
Here’s another situation that’s happened to almost all of us. Haven’t you ever had a relationship end and have that breakup seem to be a terrible thing at that time? Then, later on, you found someone else who was a better fit, at which time you realized that breaking up with the first person was a wonderful thing because it enabled you to find the new person. So the break up, which seemed “bad” at the time, turned out really to be “good.”
Play the game
Play the game. Just for one week. I promise it will transform the quality of your life and you will never be the same again. At which point you will realize that you can experience joy for the rest of your life, playing the most empowering game you’ve ever played.
Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. Also, after playing this game for a week, tell me your experience of playing. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.
If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.
If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to htp://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.
For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to get the podcasts sent to you weekly.
copyright ©2011 Morty Lefkoe
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you said “Because meaningless events can’t produce feelings, most feelings are the result of the meaning we have given events. (Some feelings are caused by conditioning and moods.) ”
you talked about this before… your take on this doesnt make sense. Some feelings are caused by moods lol… moods are feelings. And there are ways to eliminate the feelings causded by things other than events… not sure what your saying here whenever you mention this Morty??
Hi Morty,
I need a little coaching here. I’m having trouble with this. My mother was hit by a car while crossing the street 3 days ago. She’s fortunate to have only the injuries she does. It easily could have been far worse. She will require facial reconstruction surgery. I can somewhat see that the event is just a person getting struck by a car. It is a random happening. But this does not seem to allay the misery I am feeling
“from this event”. Please assist me in better understanding what I am not getting here. Sincere thanks.
Hello Phil,
I can understand the misery you are feeling about what has happened to your mother. What particular aspect of the incident are you feeling worst about? Knowing that may help you to identify your own bad feelings about it.
Hope that helps some.
Janet
Hi Phil,
In order to dissolve the meaning you made up about the event you first need to identify what the meaning is. That meaning is causing your “misery,” not the event itself.
When you are clear about the distinction between the event and how it is occurring to you, that occurring will dissolve,along with the feelings that the occurring has caused.
Love, Morty
P.S. Sorry about your mom’s accident.
My first impulse was to copy and paste the game and send it to someone close to me.
Almost immediately I realized that I am the one who should do it. I have put my own meanings on how he behaves and I am wanting him to change that. The point is that I need to stop putting meanings on incidents and not try to change someone else.
Thank you again Morty!
Hi Janet,
Great realization! Make sure we do whatever work we need to on ourselves first. You’d be surprised how much the world will change.
Happy holidays.
Love,Morty
Hi Morty,
I really like your material. It is right on. The reason we have problems (or success) is because of the meaning we assign to an event. What I do not understand is, how do you “dissolve” the meaning of something you already assigned meaning to, especially once it has come to affect you deeply? In my case, I was being careless, not thinking about why I was doing something and when I realized it, I panicked because, to me, it seemed very selfish and hurtful. This was so traumtizing to me that it seemed to change I how felt about myself. Ever since then, I’ve been dealing with anxiety and having a hard time seeing past the meaningd I assigned to the everything. I’ve tried to eliminate the meaning, but it seems I’ve managed to condition myself to think a certain way now and so now my mind often simply reacts. How do I convince myself (my inner self) of the truth — that I really am ok and do not need to be anxious or even think about what makes me anxious? It seems that, like someone suffering from trauma, I’ve been unable to get it off my mind or resolve the thoughts and feelings associated with it.
Thank you,
Greg
Hi Greg,
You ask how to dissolve meaning? Just make a clear distinction between the events and the meaning, and the meaning will dissolve.
If you keep giving negative meaning to events and have constant anxiety, that is the result of several negative beliefs. Have you eliminated a few of your negative self-esteem beliefs using our free belief-elimination process? Try it at http://recreateyourlife.com
If you tried it and see that it works, use our Natural Confidence program to eliminate 23 limiting beleifs and conditionings. That will get rid of a lot of anxiety. Check it out at http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
Happy holidays.
Love, Morty
First of, excellent post, this is a game I have been playing myself for a few years now and it has definitely transformed my life. I’d like to share with you, a recent example of my experience with the game.
I recently lost my flat and as a result moved in with my friend. The flat I lost was my first flat and I’d put a lot of love and time into making it homely. Rather than focus on what I had lost, this new experience gave me an opportunity to see what I had gained.
I realised that I enjoyed living with another person, more than I had done living on my own and have loved living with my friend so much that we are now saving up to buy our first house together!
I have been able to inspire her to make changes in her life and she has done the same for me. As a result of her support and the positive environment we have created I have achieved more of my goals in the last 3 months than I have in my whole life!
I just played this game yesterday without knowing it. I was over-reacting to a friend not wanting to get together and my friend wanted to work out instead. I applied meaning to it and got myself upset for no reason. I ended up joining the person for a work out and I felt MUCH better for it and did something good for myself. :)
This sounds like a great game Morty and I look forward to consciously playing it. Learning to give events powerful or at worst neutral meaning has really helped me to live a more enjoyable life.
I gotta tell you something Morty. I don’t know if you did it on purpose or not but, turning the occurring technique into a game and, adding that last step about imagining the event produced good consequences, has given me that incentive I needed to form the Occurring habit. Thanks so much.
Josie, I understand where you’re coming from, but it isn’t necessary for other people to continue to negatively affect our lives. As I’ve experienced, if you disconnect the event from the meaning, then it doesn’t matter if another person brings it up again, because it still has no meaning. You are under no obligation to accept another person’s meaning for an event, even though it often feels like there is an expectation to do so.
Letting go of meanings doesn’t mean you have to enter into conflict with people. There’s no need to debate it with them. They have every right to their meanings as you have to yours. But you are not obligated to accept their meanings, nor to respond to them. I can speak from experience that it is enormously freeing to have an encounter with someone who appears upset by a situation, but not to have a mirrored reaction, to be able to see the event objectively, and therefore not reflexively construct a meaning that generates a negative emotional response in me.
If someone is close to you and someone you want to keep contact with your lack of negative reaction or response sometimes affects them positively. If the person is someone with whom you can have an honest conversation with, then you can help them eliminate the beliefs that underlie their response to you.
And if the person is someone who you don’t necessarily need to have contact with, or who you don’t value having contact with, then don’t have contact with them. If it’s an old friend who just won’t leave the past alone, who maybe you have less in common now that you’re older, then limit contact.
But I must say that the process Morty explains is possible and really does work. My life has changed significantly for the better because I have been able to put into practice these guidelines.
Wow! this is quite true. I will play the game and will update you. Thank you for the great eye opener.
I have a question about the meaning we give events. You say if someone walks into a room and doesnt speak to you and you give it the meaning that they are angry with you…what if they really are angry with you?
Hi JH,
Yes I agree, I’m in a room at the moment and my husband won’t speak to me because he is drunk and whenever he is drunk he gets angry at me. How am I suppose to cope with that? K.
I know that if I were in a room in that situation I would be effected by a bunch of beliefs like “Anger is dangerous”. I would feel fearful cause I would be giving his anger the “meaning” that is dangerous. That causes a lot of stress. So I guess I could either eliminate that belief or see that the “dangerous” only exists in my mind and not in the event where he is angry, and then I wouldnt be so stressed out. That is my guess.
Hi Kaaren,
The point of this exercise is not to change the circumstances. It won’t tell you how to cope with difficult situations.
It only makes clear that the fact he is drunk and angry has no meaning, in other words, it says nothing about you, or men in general, or marriages.
Love,Morty
Hi JH,
The fact that someone is angry at you has no meaning. So it would not make you angry or upset. And you don’t know why the person is angry. Only the fact that he is angry.
Love,Morty
Hi JH & Morty,
Since the episode or “event” of my husband being drunk and angry, after a few days we had a deep discussion about issues that had been troubling us and it made us much closer and our marriage stronger. So from now on I will not pay much attention to whatever he is projecting/doing/feeling….I will keep a close eye on the fact that I am only witnessing an “event” without meaning which will pass. And sometimes pass for the better of all concerned. This has helped me tremondously as I used to have a belief that drunk and anger equaled run away as fast as you can. Each time I would leave the house, stay in a hotel or friends house, but now I will be able to stay at home and not panic and be so afraid anymore. The thing is I really love my husband and I understand we all have weaknesses, and it is a matter of managing the weaknesses in each of us that keeps the relationship growing, rather than quitting and trying to find a new one, which is not easy as you may never find a big love like you had ever again. My goal is to keep my marriage. Doing your work is helping me achieve that. Thanks so much and God bless you.
But Morty, it is not just us with the problem. I understand what you are saying, but we are also members of a society that is kind of a downer. No matter what we do and how we feel about it afterwards, we still have other people to remind us of these incidents all the time. The memory of the other person is frozen and they only know and remind us of that slice of life when we did a certain thing, even if we moved on from it long ago and are totally perplexed with their reference to it. This is frustrating, because these people tend to suck life out of you by focusing on that one thing, as if you have nothing else going on. How to deal with these people is another story; I realize we are only focusing on ourselves here.
Hi Josie,
I’m not sure what you mean about others reminding us about incident.
Incidents have no meaning, other than the meaning we give them. Events can happen that are inimical to our values, at which point we should take action to change what;s happening in the world. But we still don’t have to give meaning to the events.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
What a great idea. I actually played the game recently without even knowing it.
I’m 6 months pregnant and we are in the process of getting all the things we need to have for the baby (which includes a stroller). My Spanish mother in law (I’m Canadian but live in Spain) has said from the beginning that we “had” to get a specific kind of Stroller (the best/most expensive). I think it is a good stroller but not for us…a family that is going to be travelling a lot. My husband and I agreed from the beginning that we would get what WE want and it doesn’t really matter what other people suggest or want us to get.
Anyways, long story short we just ordered the stroller we want, and my mother in law is not happy… in fact quite angry. At first I was upset! How dare she get angry at us for not following her advice.
But then I stepped back and though…why am I upset?
Truthfully, I was upset because I thought her reaction was a sign of what’s to come. I’ve heard stories about mother-in-laws that try to control everything and interfere in the lives of new families…and I was scared this was the beginning.
But what really happened?
My mother in law disagreed with us, and got angry about our decision. Nothing more…nothing less.
In 5 years, I’m going to look back on this and think…wow…she was pretty angry but I’m glad we did what we wanted to. Maybe she will even end up liking the model we got (it doesn’t really matter). It’s insignificant really. Just another event in our lives.
Thanks for the game idea. I am going to play it this week and see how things go.
All the best,
Diana
Really inspired by your story. I’m in the process of doing this exercize with family members and how I perceive our interactions as “negative.” This was a very inspiring story of yours. Thank you