Podcast: Play in new window | Download
The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is one of the most popular personal growth books ever written. I had the pleasure of meeting him for the first time at the semi-annual Transformational Leadership Council (TLC) meeting last month.
Don Miguel is one the most “present” and alive individuals I have ever met. His eyes seem to twinkle with joy. On the second day of the meeting we spent some time together. Whenever he saw me after that, he got up from his chair, walked across the room, and hugged me.
Because I knew I would be meeting him at the TLC meeting and because I had never read The Four Agreements, I decided to read it before the 
meeting. I was amazed how similar it was to so much of what I believe and have written myself.
Because so much of what he says mirrors my own thoughts (although our writing styles are very different), I want to quote a few passages from his book in order to emphasize some ideas that I think are particularly important to insuring your happiness.
Passages from The Four Agreements
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication.
If someone gives you an opinion and says, ‘Hey, you look so fat,’ don’t take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. …
When you take things personally, then you feel offended and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong. …
It is not important to me what you think about me, and I don’t take what you think personally. I don’t take it personally when people say, ‘Miguel, you are the best,’ and I also don’t take it personally when they say, “Miguel, you are the worst.’ …
No, I don’t take it personally. Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, but nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them. …
If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for those
[negative] emotions. If you don’t feel any of those emotions, it is logical that you will feel good. When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything that is around you because you are loving yourself. … You live in that state of bliss where everything is so wonderful, and everything is so beautiful. In that state of bliss you are making love all the time with everything you perceive.Don Miguel walks his talk
Based on my personal experience of him, Don Miguel lives in this state of bliss.
What about you? Could you imagine not giving meaning to what others say?
Could you imagine living without negative emotions? Could you imagine living in bliss?
It is possible. Try making a clear distinction between what people say and the meaning you give it. Make real to yourself that nothing anyone says or does has any inherent meaning. Events only have the meaning you give them and that meaning exists only in your mind. When you make that distinction clear enough, the meaning will dissolve along with any feelings that the meaning had created.
Create your own life of bliss
Try it. No, don’t think about trying it some day. Really try it. Right now. And then write and tell me what it feels like to, as Don Miguel puts it, stop taking personally what others say.
Please leave your comments and questions here about today’s post. I read all posts and answer as many as I can.
If you found this post useful, please tell your friends and followers by using the buttons at the top of this post.
If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to htp://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one negative belief free.
For information about eliminating 23 of the most common limiting beliefs and conditionings—which cause eight of the most common problems in our lives including a lack of confidence—and get a separate video of the WAIR? Process, please check out: http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
To get my blog posts as podcasts, sign up for the RSS feed above or look up “Morty Lefkoe” at iTunes to have the podcasts sent to you weekly.
copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe
Whether you face your pain or find ways to hide from it one thing you must acknowledge is by identifying it, it has become part of you. Your consciousness has nestled it and gave it a home, the only way to set it free is by allowing yourself to feel what you need to; in order to find the appropriate emotion to let it go.
I have actually found a place which I call “The Thin Thought”. The background noise of every day life has ceased to exist for about a year now.{I do not think on a conscious level anymore} It has taken many years to enter this realm. It is a place of emotion and emotional states. All emotions are expressed and recognized[I actually have used Photography to show and identify the expressions of feelings_ most people are emotionally immature, merely stating they have not yet learn the full range of emotions how to recognize them and deal with them accordingly], with negative emotion; I do react in a physical state accordingly to the present [react in a positive way to the situation]. “I AM” is so much better than “I Think”. I believe I am now more connected to the spiritual side of the Universe, and many things are in play. I am currently preparing to enter a state in which I would remain in a constant state of Bliss. {definition} , by giving myself over completely to positive emotions. To receive and then give that energy as Love ,compassion ,goodwill to all living creatures. Everyone can feel Love, maybe someday we will all learn how to live in Love. [This doesn’t imply that negative emotions aren’t felt or recognized only that they are not going to be acted on inappropriately , which I believe is the end goal that Morty is Shooting for. Hope you all find Peace and tranquility on which ever road you travel.
You are right, Don Miguel Ruiz is saying more or less the same things that you have said (as have others) but your method really showed me the way that our interpretations of early childhood events have affected us (me). The repetitious aspect of your method was painful as I have a short attention span especially when material is repeated, but, it worked. I got it. I recreated some of the most painful childhood moments in my life and viewed them through a different prism and actually felt a detachment from people and events that allowed me to step away from certain beliefs that I have carried with me for decades. Thank you
Morty,
I am having a hard time applying don’s teachings to my life. When i look at them the only emotion that i could see someone feel would be a neutral one, not positive or negative. When he writes”I don’t take it personally when people say, ‘Miguel, you are the best,’ and I also don’t take it personally when they say, “Miguel, you are the worst.” It sounds like a great idea, so when someone insults me i just give it no meaning and brush it off, but the problem comes from trying not to feel good about myself when someone compliments me or if i looked cool or did well in a certain situation. I can’t help but feel good after i’ve just had a meaningful conversation with someone, or talked to that cute girl that i like. I like the feeling i get when i connect with people and when they think well of me. If i took away the good feelings or meaning from making friends and having others like me, what emotion would be left to feel other than feeling nothing? How can you feel happy if your not allowed to be proud and feel good about the things that you have accomplished? So then i begin to think that if they didn’t think well of me i couldn’t be happy, so those insults really do matter, because if they insult me then they obviously don’t think well of me and then this just puts me back at square one.
I’m interested in seeing what you have to say.
Thanks!
Hi Nathan,
The point is to be OK without needing the approval of others. Having others think well of us doesn’t make us OK, and having others think poorly of us, doesn’t make us not OK.
Our Okness is not a function of what others think. We need to know we’re OK without reference to others. If we need the approval of others to be OK, then we don’t think we are inherently OK.
Love, Morty
Ian ,
Your site isn’t “basically” the Lefkoe Method, it IS the Lefkoe Method, word for word.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
Just to be clear I did not design the site and have nothing to do with it. My post was in response to the creator of it “importboy” whose post has now been deleted.
Ian ,
Your site isn’t “basically” the Lefkoe Method, it IS the Lefkoe Method, word for word.
Love, Morty
IAN,
Your site isn’t “basically” the Lefkoe Method, it IS the Lefkoe Method, word for word.
Love,Morty
Hi Morty,
Just to be clear i did not design the site and have nothing to do with it. My post was in response to the creator of it “importboy” whose post has now been deleted.
Ian,
My reply went to you by mistake. I intended to respond to him.
Thanks, love, Morty
What a great discussion!!! Eric and Jen I like your comments and I agree with your point of view. Thanks for sharing with us.
Just used this, work well and a quality idea!
I think just adding one more step that they use in the video’s, where a reminder of all the written down alternative interpretations is provided would make it basically perfect.
On step 12 where it says if you saw it, a yes button could be put in as well as the no, and if they press yes, a reminder of the alternate interpretations comes up to further “loosen up” the interpretation from the reality to help realise that it was not to be found out there, and then loop back to re ask the question of whether they saw it with no as the only option.
Again, very nicely done mate.
Just used this, work well and a quality idea!
I think just adding one more step that they use in the video’s, where a reminder of all the written down alternative interpretations is provided would make it basically perfect.
On step 12 where it says if you saw it, a yes button could be put in as well as the no, and if they press yes, a reminder of the alternate interpretations comes up to further “loosen up” the interpretation from the reality to help realise that it was not to be found out there, and then loop back to re ask the question of whether they saw it with no as the only option.
Again, very nicely done mate.
@jen Animals do think. When one spends a lot of time with them you see it in action. There is also research showing this to be true. I realise this is off-topic but animals deserve more credit than they get :)
Honey – :) I’d agree. They think. And they definitely deserve a LOT of credit. My horse has taught me more about being present with myself than any human possibly could have. He thinks – he just doesn’t seem to do the thinking that gets him stuck (like I have and still do).
you “gurus” are so arrogants, as per you find some personal solutions, or some examples you intend, make others fuffer, just because aren´t like this, No I am ont like this and yes ||I need help to be free from my fears and limiting beliefs, and please noone even this Mr. can live wihout giving meaning for what says what other people says is important ,you need the response of them to know to grow and to do things, See the example.
you need our opinion about what you say, publish, is important to you that OUR MEANING IS THIS IS GOOD I WANT IT AND I WILL PAY FOR IT, you need myh opinion and others, I need opinion
Max, I never said anything about or against Jesus or Buddha. Calm down, Maxy.
Jen – don’t listen to Max. Having an ego and acknowledging it is fine. A lot of these people on this forum and in the self-help business want a person to get rid of this and that – you don’t need to get rid of any part of you. You can still listen to the ego and do selfless acts in life. There is perfections in ALL of out imperfections.
Of course, these dumb people like Buddha and Jesus Christ were all wrong, lets all be happy with the beauty of unhappiness. Wise advise pal.
https://www.mortylefkoe.com/change-human-nature/
The truth is, You can either choose to keep your positive and negative emotions, or you can choose to get rid of the negative emotions and just create positive emotions.
I am speaking from my own experience, and when I choose to look at reality instead of getting angry or afraid of what is happening, I can then choose to act from a clear head and not from an emotion that i created via my personal interpretation of the event.
I still acknowledge my ego all the time, but my ego’s thoughts are based on reality and consciously created meaning, Instead of unconscious emotional reactions.
So, again, if you want to keep your “negative” emotions, then keep them, if not, then do something about them, it’s your own choice.
Eric – Thanks. :)
Ian – I like what you said. A lot. Thanks!
Your welcome Jen, I remember when all this stuff was so confusing to me too. On one side you have people saying “feel all your emotions, don’t get rid of any of them, experience them all”, and on the other side people saying “completely get rid of your ego and transcend all of life’s “problems”.
I have two things to say about this
1 – Do what ever you personally want, you have the choice regardless of what others have found to be the best choice for them Personally at This point in their lives
2 – I have PERSONALLY found that doing all of the above is the best choice, I sometimes choose to feel sad or angry when an event happens, I sometimes choose to dissolve fear when it is keeping me from acting, I sometimes create the feeling of happiness and I also practice seeing the ego for what it is.
Don’t accept either/or advice, live your life how you choose!
You said, “Nothing anyone does is because of you.”
That sounds ridiculous. Why? Because, if nothing I do is because of you, why did you write this article? Weren’t you intending to get me to do something?
Or, for another example, I call a friend to see if she wants to get together, and then we meet. It sure seems to me that something I did influenced her, at least a little.
Or, if I buy a book, isn’t it because the writer wrote it? If s/he hadn’t written it I would never buy it. Therefore, something s/he did had something to do with what I decided to do.
On the other hand, I like the idea. It has some merit to me. But the way I see it is, I’m not responsible for what others think or feel. I believe each of us is responsible for those things.
But back to the point. You wrote this article. I read it, and now I’m more curious about ‘The Four Agreements.” So something I did is because of you, isn’t it?
Hi Phil,
The quote you mentioned is not mine, but Don Miguel’s. I wouldn’t have put it exactly the way he did, but I understand what he meant.
I think he meant people act based on their beleifs and occurrings, not because of your behavior. Change your beliefs and occurrings and your behavior will change regardless of what anyone else does or says.
My behavior influences you only because your beliefs allow them to. People with different beliefs respond totally differently to what I say.
Thanks for joining the conversation.
Love,Morty
Thank you for the post!
When we forsake the joys of winning, we too forsake the sorrow of losing. Only then, when we are not distracted, we can rediscover the bliss of just being.
Dr. Vetter, I completely do not appreciate your second to last response. Way to dodge the questions I posed and attempt to sell Morty’s services, multiple times. And I never said I do not want to feel the pain for my loss.
Eric,
No offense was intended.
First I did not dodge the questions.
You asked… “Can I dissolve my meanings pertaining to this event? Imagine any of you lost a close loved-one. No, really imagine it and make it real for yourself. How do you feel? How is this event occurring for you?? Do you have beliefs that ate getting in the way of your bliss? ”
As I answered, “we shift the energy (remove the charge off) of the meaning you make about an occurring.” (and we do it weekly with people). And I even referred to how Morty’s material would do it. Then I encouraged you to see Morty as I suspected you would not see the answers I gave as useful.
So here I’ll answer each one specifically… explain “bliss” in regards to…
1) Can I dissolve my meanings pertaining to this event?
A) Yes by shifting the meaning ( and the charge created by the meaning you made). Shifting the e(nergy) in motion (i.e. emotions). We do it usually every week with people.
2 ) make it real for yourself. How do you feel? How is this event occurring for you?
A) It is occurring with a charge to it. So what I do is I shift the meaning which removes the charge.
3) Do you have beliefs that are getting in the way of your bliss?
A) When a belief gets in the way, I remove the charge of the belief (shift the meaning of the belief) and it is no longer in the way. A belief is only a thought that we have repeated enough times to give it more strengthen and power than it really has.)
The answer I gave did not make sense to you (which I figured) so I encouraged you to get help from someone who could help. Which you say you did not appreciate. My intent was to help you deal with your situation and as quickly as possible. That is why I suggested Morty.
I never suggest you not feel the pain of your loss. You are already feeling it. What I am suggesting is you don’t have to feel it any long if you don’t want to.
Have you considered… What is the appropriate length of time someone is supposed to feel bad about a loss? One year, one month, one week, one day, how long? (Who actually says what the right amount of time is?) Have you passed the time allotted for pain, suffering and grief? How would you know?
Hopefully this helps.
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter – Docresults
Hey Eric! I think that there is nothing special in death or dying. Everybody dies amigo! Popes dies, Dalai Lamas dies, i’ll die, you’ll die, everybody will die someday. Why to make such a problem of this? Do you regret something? Wish something? Why you don’t suffer with the death of other people that you don’t know? TLM isn’t about shifting meaning, but understanding that there are lots of possible valid meanings and that no one is especially right! Just get rid of your mental garbage and be happy! Honor you past friends by being a happy useful person!
I completely agree with you Jen!
Don’t worry, you are not hijacking the conversation. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback!
Thanks! :)
Jen,
Without judgement, I observe your situation a little differently. Being in a state of bliss might have meant that you would have reveled in the moment of joy of your friend’s happiness over his impending trip. Stripping away our “ego” allows us to interpret a situation without any inferrence, or meaning or interpretation about what it means for ourselves. When the ego is no longer present, you are just in a state of “being” that honors and wholly acknowledges your friends “being” and state of happiness.
Later there would be time for reflection on what appealed to you about your exchange with your friend and invite new possibilities and options that you suggested. The difference is that you have none of the “ego” emotions of envy or fear or feeling left out. In fact, your friend’s joy could have been shared between the two of you and thus more powerful in the moment. This would enable you to no longer focus on what you didn’t have in the past or future and only focus on the present joy.
I hope these thoughts are helpful. Have a great day!
I appreciate your thoughts. What you say makes sense… I guess I have lived in a world where I had no ego, no sense of self, and worked from the belief that I didn’t deserve anything. For me, experiencing the feelings (from the first physical reaction all the way through to the realization of what it was that I was feeling) was amazing.
The word ego comes from Freud’s theories. He believed there were three parts of the human psyche: the id (the instinctual “selfish” part), the superego (all the values that society teaches us) and the ego (which balances everything out. According to this definition, the ego is incredibly important. It balances out our need to take care of ourselves vs. the need to take care of others.
I used to believe that the goal was to get rid of the ego and live completely in a place where I didn’t care if I survived. That didn’t serve me very well. In order to serve and care for others, I took a lot of abuse.
By owning my own feelings: my jealousy, I was able to celebrate with him. I imagine there will come a time when the balance will be more… balanced.
So, I guess what I’m saying, is this is exactly the place I need to be in my life, and I thoroughly enjoy this discussion.
The word “ego” comes from latin and means “I”. Our “ego” is that what we call “myself”. Ego are the things i think i am, the things i believe, i feel, i think, i wish, i crave, i want, etc.
Its just common that the majority of people make up kbillions excuses to not dissolve their own ego, then it came really as no surprise that you make up these excuses too…
Ofcourse you always had an ego. In order to think that you “served” you have to have an ego. Who is telling “i served”? To be abused you have to have an ego. If there was no ego, there would be nobody to be abused.
And, just to make a clear distinction, is obviously false this idea that having no ego makes the person stupid. Not having an ego and not having intelligence are two different things.
Max – I feel frustrated at your comment. I am trying to understand myself better. I am talking about me, my experiences, my thoughts, the things I am learning that are valuable to me… Why are you also talking about me? Especially when you don’t actually know anything about me except for the few words I wrote here?
I described my past from my current perspective. I know NOW that what was happening to me was abuse, but I didn’t know it then. I was so unaware of everything around me. I believed that my existence was proof of selfishness. Other people chose to step in to save my life. They taught me that it was okay for Jen to exist. I choose to believe them more than you, but… For a moment, I believed I should somehow make myself stop existing.
I’m very grateful that I don’t live the way I used to live. And I’m very grateful that I exist. That I have want, Dreams, Desires, Thoughts, and I like being me, whoever the hell “me” is in this moment.
I responded to you because you say that you want to understand yourself better. You didnt understand what i told you. Notice how many “i”, “me” and “my” you wrote in you answer! Just work on them all. Nobody said that you will have to cease to exist, that you have no value or whatever. We are not our ego, is just that simple. These thoughts are just crap stuck in our mind. I understand that you already have made good discoveries about yourself, but i think your response to me shows how much trauma you still have.
Please explain “bliss” in the case of a relative, who was completely healthy based on a recent physical and general life style, and recently died on the spot from a massive heart attack. And also, what “meaning” can I possibly give to this event?? Can I dissolve my meanings pertaining to this event? Imagine any of you lost a close loved-one. No, really imagine it and make it real for yourself. How do you feel? How is this event occurring for you?? Do you have beliefs that ate getting in the way of your bliss? Doc or Morty – I look forward to your response.
Eric,
I’m gonna attempt to explain just a little because explanation is not what you really want. You want your feelings to change, you want to get rid of the pain. To get rid of it through explanation on a blog could take a very, very long time. What I suspect would work better is having the experience of your feelings changing and then you will do as we all do make up a meaning for why you feel better in such a short time.
I have new clients in the same situation or extremely similar to your’s almost weekly. We get almost immediate results. We shift and/or teach people how to shift their e(nergy) in motion if they chose to learn. Attempting to explain on a blog how or what is done is difficult as one’s experience has a lot to do with the meaning one makes.
And instead of trying to explain about ways that I use, since this is Morty’s list I’d say that Morty’s Occurring Course is a probably the best way to deal with your situation as it is designed to help you become aware of the difference between the meaning you make and what actually is. Or applying his WAIR method might help remove some of the charge created by the meaning you’ve already made.
How you or I feel in any moment or situation is dependent on the meaning we make (i.e. the meaning we add) in the moment. The meaning we make (add) is dependent on how we see (the meaning we have made about) ourselves and others and life in general. Attempting to explain this where meaning has already been made with deep hooks in your energy system on a blog does not do you nor the situation much good.
I would suspect that Morty or one of his top students could work with you, probably by phone, and in less than an hour your experience would change and so would the meaning you are making (adding) right now.
Energetically I sense the depth and strength of your feeling and I would encourage you to contact Morty’s office as you would love and appreciate how quickly one session could make all the difference in the world.
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter – DocResults
like a dream was in this morning, everything was misconstrued, so left like a bag of dust, but realized was their created minds & ego’s rushing on, hehe, have a wonderful day.
Morty,
As always very well said. I agree and as you know I use terms like we all buy to much of our own BS-Belief System, us being the meaning maker and all.
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter – DocResults
Hi Houston,
Thanks for reading my material and for joining the conversation. It is always great to hear from you.
Love, Morty
yes, what else is there morty, when with the creator, as his/her bliss is far greater then anything else, but still have to be in the living of it all!!! so bless us oh lord, take away the burdens man’s has created for generations & generations, give u7s the joy peace of your kingdom
It’s very challenging to remain impassive in the face of negative comments and abuse. Thoughts are powerful and hurtful ones, once verbalised, pierce like an arrow. I’ve spent my life dodging the arrows and stray bullets. It’s hard not to take things personally and abuse will win unless you take action.
Lucille, Perhaps you could reflect that others’ negative comments are simply their “ego mind” talking and not really their true essence. Your emotion or reaction to their words, is your “ego mind” which only reinforces what you are trying to resist.
If you focus on your true essence, that is, you are not your thoughts, beliefs or feelings, but rather an energetic being that has consciousness OF your thoughts, beliefs and feelings, the ego will then take a back seat and their words will simply have no meaning.
It will take practice and perhaps some meditation time. :)
Hi Lucille,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
My experience is that if you really do not give meaning to what others say, their comments are not “hurtful.” It actually is not “hard” to not take things personally when you learn how to stoop giving meaning to events.
And it is possible to take action without giving meaning to events.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
Reading this post, and then Lucille’s take on it, leads me to ask about the physical realities of positive or negative events brought by others into our lives. For one example, if a stranger on the street comes up an says “you’re an idiot” well, I don’t have to live with that guy and maybe if I do some self-reflection he might have been giving his opinion over something I might have overlooked and desire to change, perhaps something like walking under a construction scaffold?
But what about when the other person’s comments are from a person whom you have deeply ingrained in your life like a wife or serious girlfriend? What if ignoring that person’s negative comments, such as anger toward you for something that is strictly within “their” perception rather than something “you” have done, will lead to negative actions? How to “not take it personally” and yet still react in a way that creates positive change from such a situation?
Hi Smoke,
You do not need to give meaning to a meaningless situation to be able to take appropriate action.
If someone “treats you badly,” e.g., yells at you, you can choose to not give it any meaning and still choose to not deal with that person in the future. Or ask them why they were angry. Or take any other action.
If you get fired you don’t need to give it the meaning that it is a disaster to look for a new job.
Events really don’t have any inherent meaning, so telling the truth will keep you from having any negative feelings about the event.
Love,Morty
I have learned much from Don Ruiz’s work and I keep recorded versions of his works in my car and on my phone so I can listen to them whenever I have a chance. But long before I became acquainted with his work I had found ways to not take things personally. In the 1970’s I first heard a tape by Arnold Patent in which he said that the only functional power in the universe is Love. So whatever someone does is a form of Love. If a stranger comes up to me on the street and punches me in the face that is an act of Love. That is the best that person can express love at that time in their life. If I view the things that my spouse does that irratate me as expressions of love (although I might consider them unskillful acts) I don’t take them personally. If two of my children are fighting because one took the others toy. rather than yelling at them, I can talked to them about being more skillful in expressing love when they want a toy the other has of the other take a toy they have. They will learn to not take what each other does so personally. I have used this approach form many years to help me not take things personally. Then I found the writings of best selling author Caroline Myss. She takes a mystical approach. She teaches that we have a Sacred Contract with all the secondary characters of our life. They are in our life as our teachers. So if someone comes up to me and says “You’re an idiot.” I don’t take it personally but I ask myself “Has God sent this person into my life to teach me something.” With some thought and reflection I usually find a lesson in whatever experience I have. I had this experience with one of your recent posts: “A Universe without Distinctions.” As I read that post I was reminded of the following scripture from my tradition. It is a prophert of 2600 years ago talking to his sons prior to his death. I quote a small portion:
11 For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
12 Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power, and the mercy, and the justice of God.
13 And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away.
I thought God has brought Morty Lefkoe into my life to help me better understand these ancient writings.
I have also found Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Sufi (mystical Islam) and other teaching on how to not take things personally and live a life of bliss.
Morty,
I don’t believe our goal should be to only experience positive emotions. If one does not acknowledge and accept all sides of themselves and all emotions that they feel, then they will not achieve a sense of balance in their lives. After spending 20 years reading all the self-help books and partaking in a couple of the programs you have to offer, I have come to this conclusion. Like anything good in life, one can get accustomed to it or the “bliss” starts to lose it’s meaning and significance. That’s one of the main problems will most , if not all, self-help programs and gurus……they’re always trying to find ways to make the bad go away. There is beauty in the imperfections of human beings and the “negative” ways in which the mind works. There really is something to the concept of Ying and Yang. It’s old, it’s simple, and you don’t have get rid of anything or learn any techniques for being or living. I’m interested in your response, Morty.
Hi Eric,
You imply that we inherently have negative and positive emotions, that they are part of us, and we should accept them both.
I would contend that our emotions are strictly the result of the meaning we give events, and if we stop giving negative meanings to events, we will stop having negative emotions. If you say trying something new means you probably will fail, you will feel anxiety. Anxiety feels bad. If you realize that trying a new project has no inherent meaning, you won’t feel anxiety.
What’s wrong with that? What wrong with stopping pretending that the meaning you gave a meaningless event really has a negative meaning that makes you feel bad?
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
I don’t believe emotions come from thoughts… I believe emotions are a part of being a living, sentient being… Animals experience emotions, and they don’t think. I know for myself, problems arise when I get stuck in emotions, but not from feeling them. A horse feels afraid, so it runs. A horse feels safe, so it plays. A horse won’t stay with the same emotion, or won’t try to do anything other than feel what they are feeling.
For your example: What if it isn’t the fear of failure that causes anxiety when trying new things? What if it is just our body’s and brain’s way of saying, “This is new,”? Anxiety isn’t negative. Isn’t SAYING anxiety is negative going to create the very suffering you are trying to avoid?
I do believe and agree with you that most suffering comes from our beliefs about what is, and not what actually is… I also believe that by accepting all of our emotions without judgment, we will find limitless peace, which in my way of thinking is deeper happiness… Peace = happiness that lasts even when I also feel sad, angry, or any other emotion.
And Eric, sorry for hijacking your conversation… I just wanted to add more thoughts, and I hope that’s okay… Thanks again to both of you for sharing your thoughts.
Jen,
Just a quick comment. What if emotion and feeling were two different things? In the mind sciences the structure of an emotion is a feeling with a meaning added to it. And the structure of a feeling is a body sensation without a meaning.
A horse or animal reacts to body sensations (i.e. feelings) without a meaning added. You and I add the meaning of what we think the feeling (i.e. body sensation) would represent to us. In other words if you or I were to act a certain way we might interpret it (adding the meaning) that that behavior is produced by the emotion fear. (Which is the addition of a meaning to something.) When in actuality it was simply a behavior without any inherent meaning and we chose one and applied it to a horse.
Does that help any?
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter – DocResults
Yes, actually that helps… I realize that what I am calling an emotion is the body sensation… I spent much of my life completely disconnected from my body, which meant I was also out of touch with my emotions, feeling, LIFE. I can say that I am now reconnected, and it feels really good. For me, there just isn’t any such thing as a negative emotion, because it all feels amazing: anger, sadness, jealousy, happiness, love, everything. I feel alive, and that makes me happy.
When I hear instructions like this article, sometimes I think what people are telling me to do is to go back to the way I was living. I like to clarify; both for myself and for anyone out there like me.
I’ve been thinking about this more…
Yesterday, I had an experience with a friend. He was planning a fishing/camping trip with some buddies. As he talked, I felt my chest tighten, my hands start shaking, my eyes welling up with tears… I stopped our conversation for a second to feel what I was feeling, and then to define it… I realized that feeling was jealousy and a little bit of sadness. I’m a girl who lives in a community with very rigid gender roles. I don’t fit those gender roles. I love fishing, camping, horseback riding, and I don’t know any other female who enjoys those things.
My friend was planning a trip with other friends. He wasn’t inviting me, and I really wanted to go. Or at least have the option of maybe someday being able to go on a trip like that…
By thinking about it, realizing what I was experiencing, without judgment: it’s not “bad” or “negative” that I felt that way… It doesn’t decrease my bliss. It was just a feeling and an emotion letting me know what I wanted. From there, I get to decide what I’m going to do about it.
Will I talk to my friend and tell him I’d be interested in planning a trip like that? Let him know I don’t mind hanging out with the boys. Will I look for females that also like the things I do, so that I can go on a trip with them? Will I do nothing?
Those emotions didn’t stop me from feeling happy: They are a clue to how I can find even more. There’s my personal experience that made me think about this discussion…
I adopt the spiritual view to these questions: we have to get rid of our ego. It just doesnt mind if it feel good, feel bad, feel nothing. It just doesnt mind! Get rid of it! Eventually we’ll get free from all these limitations that make us prisioners of our own mind.
Eric,
While I agree with Morty, try this take view on things.
The Individual (you/me) is the Meaning Maker. The Individual is the one who adds the yin/yang (+/-). Without the individual to give yin a meaning of better/worse, right/wrong, different from yang, yin and yang are whole (one) and has zero meaning.
Until the Meaning Maker (the individual-you/me) ADDS a meaning there is no inherent meaning.
Now here is where it gets interesting. Even without giving any energy a meaning (+/-) all yin and yang energy moves through the individual.
The only difference is when one is aligned (neutral, giving no meaning) one can feel EVERY energy, every yin/yang, every label of +/- as it will move through your system. And yet there is no charge, no hook nothing for the energy to hang onto so it flows right through the system.
And here is the beautiful part of that when you can experience every e-motion energy in motion without slowing it down (i.e. adding a meaning) the result of this is best described as bliss. (Which is also an emotion that if you do not add meaning to will flow as well. Energy flows (that’s the nature of duality). Adding meaning stops or more accurately slows the energy down in an attempt to make it solid which blocks the other energy one could call bliss from flowing.
Remember it is not yin or yang, it is yin and yang and there is the individual who adds or not meaning to either. And then which either the individual puts attention on… that builds, charges and strengthens and becomes one’s experience.
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter – DocResults
I love Miguel Ruiz. I think his book The Mastery of Love helped me understand relationships better than anything I have ever read.
The only thing I disagree with is, I don’t believe there ARE negative emotions. Labeling them as such creates suffering that isn’t necessary… Meaning, if I think feeling anger or jealousy is negative, then I get upset when I feel angry or jealous, and I try to make those feelings go away… Emotions are signals. A way for our body and our brain to communicate to us.
Anger lets me know when my boundaries have been crossed. Then I get to choose what I do about that. Are my boundaries unreasonable? Do I want to change them? Are they reasonable? If so, how do I protect myself?
Jealousy lets me know I want something that I don’t have. Is this want based in reality or fantasy? Am I trying to own or control another person, and by doing so giving them control over me? If I decide this IS something I want based in reality and doesn’t hurt or control someone else, How bad do I want it? What am I willing to do for it?
I picked those two emotions, because are the ones I judged as most negative. I tried to make myself never feel them. There is a lot less suffering and anxiety in my life now that I understand myself and my emotions better.
Hi Jen,
Instead of negative or positive, let’s call them pleasurable or painful. That is an accurate description of how emotions feel to us.
I am not saying to suppress emotions, I am saying it is possible to easily eliminate the source of negative emotions, so that we don’t have them. What’s wrong with that?
When we have them they are clues to our thinking. Change the thinking and the emotions change.
Love, Morty
I found this article very helpful! Thanks for sharing it!
You’re welcome.
Love,Morty
I have found that the best way for me to really learn to follow the Four Agreements has been to teach them as part of activities for the school club I lead and to a lesser degree in my classroom and I justify this because of the overwhelming need to reduce the energy students waste on tangling with each other emotionally. These are very powerful tools.