“Who said you could talk to your beloved like that?”
Those words from my dear friend Anne hit me like a punch to the stomach.
I had just raised my voice during a disagreement with Morty. You know, the kind where you’re so convinced you’re right that your volume rises with each word? Yeah, that kind.
And then Anne’s question stopped me in my tracks.
It had never occurred to me that yelling at my beloved was not okay. Never even crossed my mind.
I came from a very loving family, but we all yelled at each other all the time. My dad, who adored me, would say things like, “Enhhh” (like the buzzer sound on a game show). “You don’t use your head.” And we just accepted it. That’s the way it was.
After Anne’s comment, I sat with myself and really thought about what beliefs I must have that had me behaving this way.
My belief was: It’s OK to yell at loved ones.
Getting rid of that belief changed my life.
I stopped yelling at loved ones. I still got upset at them sometimes, of course. I’m human. But I didn’t hold it in. I expressed my feelings using the skills I had already been teaching in my parenting workshops but had somehow forgotten to apply to other relationships.
These communication tools became invaluable, especially in those heated moments when emotions run high. And let’s be honest — those moments test us the most, don’t they? It’s easy to be respectful when everything’s calm and we’re feeling good. But what about when we’re hurt, angry, or frustrated?
Try Using “I” Messages
When you’re upset, “I” messages are your best friend. They help you express your feelings without attacking the other person.
Here’s what this sounds like:
Instead of: “You’re always late! Don’t you care about my time?”
Try: “I felt really annoyed when you arrived 15 minutes late to our dinner. I value our time together and felt like my time wasn’t being respected.”
See the difference? One accuses and puts the other person on defense. The other simply states how you feel.
Or another example:
Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
Try: “I feel frustrated when I’m talking and it seems like you’re focused on your phone. I’d really appreciate your full attention for this conversation.”
You can be firm. You can be clear. But you can still be loving and kind while doing it.
Remember to Separate the Person from Their Actions
Let the person know that you’re angry at what they did or said (or didn’t do or say), but not at them as a person.
This distinction is crucial.
Don’t make the person wrong or attack them. That just causes defensiveness. And when people feel defensive, real communication stops.
And watch out for the word “but” – it invalidates everything you say before it. “I love you, but you really screwed up this time” essentially erases the “I love you” part. The person only hears what comes after the “but.”
Don’t Skip Validating Feelings
Even when setting boundaries, acknowledge the other person’s emotions.
For example with a teen,
“I get that you’re hurt because your friend didn’t invite you to their party. That would hurt my feelings too. And we need to find a way to talk about it without the name-calling.”
Or with another adult,
“I hear that you’re overwhelmed with your workload right now. That sounds incredibly stressful. And I still need you to communicate with me without the harsh tone.”
This validation shows empathy while still maintaining your boundaries. People need to feel seen before they can hear you.
Try Looking from the Other Person’s Point of View
Simply put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
When I used to scream at the TV because I so vehemently disagreed with someone’s point of view, Morty would say, “If you were raised as they were, you would have the beliefs they have – and you would be saying the same thing.”
That stopped me in my tracks. Every time.
So when you are upset by another’s point of view, consider how it developed. It may help you drop the judgment.
Examine Your Beliefs
What did you learn from your family about how to speak to people when you’re angry or upset?
What beliefs might you have that would have you treat any human being without dignity and respect?
Often, our angry outbursts stem from deeper beliefs like “I’m powerless” or “I’m not important” or “I’m not good enough.”
When someone’s actions seem to confirm these negative self-concepts, we react strongly. What appears to be anger at them is often really pain about how we see ourselves.
When your partner forgets your birthday, it might not just be disappointing. If you believe “I’m not important,” their forgetfulness becomes proof of that belief. And that hurts. Deeply.
The belief “I’m powerless” can amplify these feelings, making you angry about feeling upset and wanting to blame someone else.
These underlying beliefs dramatically affect how you communicate with others.
Ready to eliminate the beliefs that lead to anger and disrespectful communication?
Check out our Natural Confidence program and start transforming how you relate to yourself and others today.
