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Have you ever listened to something a friend or loved one said to you and thought: “They have to be insane! That makes no sense at all!”
And what about things they do? Aren’t you flabbergasted when a friend or loved one doesn’t do something they promised to do or not returned a call for days?
So much of what people do and say make little or no sense to us. Why?
Things people say and do don’t make sense to us because we assume that they are giving events the same meaning we do. If we realized that most of what people do and say make perfect sense given the meanings they have assigned events, we’d stop being so puzzled.
Let me give you a few examples.
A relationship example
Imagine you ask your partner to pick up something at the store and he (or she) doesn’t. You are likely to give it the meaning that he doesn’t care about you because if he did, he wouldn’t have forgotten. That meaning is likely to make you upset or even angry.
And the more your partner doesn’t acknowledge that you have a right to be upset or angry, the more upset and angry you get. In the end you just can’t understand why your partner didn’t do what you asked and why he isn’t apologizing for being so thoughtless.
Your partner on the other hand, gives the same event a different meaning: What you want is important to me, I just forgot. People forget things. My forgetting has nothing to do with how much I care about you. Why are you so upset or angry?
What does the event—failing to pick up the item you requested at the store—really mean? You give it one meaning and your partner gives it another. Neither is “the truth.” Both meanings are merely the way the event occurs for you. Can you get that the event doesn’t have any inherent meaning?
If each of you could recognize that how the event occurs for you is not reality—it is merely the meaning each of you has attributed to reality—there would be nothing to get upset or angry about. And the other’s reaction would not be so incomprehensible. In fact, given the other’s “occurring,” the reaction would make perfect sense.
Are they really inconsiderate jerks?
Imagine that your neighbors are having a party that lasts until the wee hours of the morning and they are making noise that is keeping you awake. Clearly they are inconsiderate jerks who have no respect for anyone else. And that meaning makes you angry. You just can’t imagine why people would do what they are doing.
Do your neighbors agree they are “inconsiderate jerks”? No, they don’t. From their point of view, they were just having fun, not realizing that they were making so much noise that you were being kept from sleep.
Whose point of view—whose meaning—is correct? Can you get that both are and both are not. In other words, the event as such has no inherent meaning and both meanings are just different ways of interpreting what happened.
Understanding people’s meaning makes sense of what they do and say
I’m not asking you to give up the meaning you assign to events, although if you did you would be able to dissolve your fears and anger, in fact, virtually all the negative emotions you experience. Because almost all of our emotions are the result of the meaning we assign events—in other words, how the events occur for us—dissolving the meaning simultaneously dissolves the emotions.
I’m only suggesting that people’s actions and statements make perfect sense once you understanding that what people do and say will always be consistent with how events occur for them. Understand people’s occurring and you will understand them.
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Morty, a follow up question for you. If events have no meaning, how do we apply positive emotions (which I know are also “fleeting”) so that our lives don’t become “meaning-less”? If a negative situation has no meaning, how does a positive one have meaning – or something of value for us?
Thanks for all of your wisdom!
Hi Cindy,
There is no such thing as a positive or negative situation. Those are meanings we impose on situations.
If you lost your job and call that a negative situation and then get a better job, was it really a negative situation?
Love, Morty
Thanks Morty, I guess my deeper question is where do we find “meaning” in our lives if external situations have no meaning? If I get that new job, or rather, give birth to a baby, those events seem extremely positive to me. If positive events have no meaning, where’s the joy going to come from?
I think I know the answer, but how does the Belief Process or Occurring Process address it?
Hi Ladies;
To me, I think the process helps or empowers us to choose how we react to events and life situations. On one hand, I’ve dealt with relationships that are clearly abusive. True, I’ve perceived and labeled it as such… But it’s not helpful to take a “passive” stance, i.e. it’s meaningless so it doesn’t matter. Rather, if I have the belief that “I am important, I matter, I am lovable, etc.” I’d be empowered to draw the line and end the relationship. But, on the other side of the coin is anger and resentment. This is where it’s useful to examine our reactions and “choose” how we experience life. Like the Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Let’s go with the neighbor’s party example: I could get caught up in my anger with a cycling stream of thoughts like, “This is annoying… I have a presentation tomorrow, don’t they realize people need sleep? … Some people are so rude! …” … and escalating to the point of fury, and planning in your head how you’re going to chew them out, what you’ll say to them, plotting revenge, etc. I might be so wound up by 3 am that I’d have trouble sleeping once the party’s over! Instead, I could just choose to acknowledge and accept, “There is noise.” Read a book, watch TV, clean the house, put in ear plugs… I could still choose to politely bring it up with my neighbor. It might lead to an interesting conversation! Maybe the neighbor’s son was studying abroad and just came home after graduation. You could get to know, befriend, and “love thy neighbor” and maybe be invited to the next party. ;) To Cindy, life would just not be “human” without our emotions. I certainly wouldn’t want to be an emotionless robot. But it is useful to be able to turn “negatives” into neutrals and see just how “positive” life can be. When I had my babies, I was delighted and overwhelmed with love, joy, gratitude, etc. But, perhaps if my baby were born with a lifelong condition such as cerebral palsy or down syndrome, I might also feel anger, resentment, anxiety, disappointment, and on top of that, guilt for having those feelings! In that case, I would acknowledge and accept the feelings (without judging them/myself as “bad”), and the consequences of the condition. In the end, no matter how much I “grieve” or “blame,” it will not change the reality. There would be no use exhausting myself with constant “negative” thoughts which could lead to serious depression, resentment of other parents with “healthy babies,” and self-hate. I’d be “set free,” to accept what is and enjoy parenthood. Make sense?
With love – J
I think I get the point, but I find the examples not very fitting. In the belief process there is this part where it says: an experience has certainly consequences, but does it have a meaning? In both examples, the behaviour of the people would have consequences for me, and unpleasant ones. Now, even if I don’t consider them jerks, I still would have to deal with noise that keeps me from sleeping. What I could do is may be find out if I hold a belief that “it is impossible to sleep when it’s noisy” and eliminate it. There are people who don’t care and just sleep next to a Rock concert. But if there isn’t, what do I do? It will be definitely easier to talk to the neighbours if I don’t think they are jerks, I assume. But anyway, it’s hard not to believe that they are inconsiderate, if they didn’t announce the party beforehand so people can arrange to stay some place else. Not sure how the belief process helps here.
Hi Joseann,
The Lefkoe Belief Process would bnot help in this situation, but the Lefkoe Occurring Process would.
If you get from eliminating beliefs that events have no inherent meaning, then their party and noise have no inherent meaning, including they are jerks. There is a problem to deal with (the consequence), but there still is no meaning.
Love, Morty
That makes sense. And if I have difficulties to deal with the consequences, I could see if I hold beliefs like “I am powerless” etc. This question came up for me next: in both examples it would feel to me that the other person’s behaviour impacts my reality. It feels that I can not get for myself what I want: support from my partner or peace and quiet for my sleep. What is the cause of this? Why is it that I have a partner who forgets what I ask him to do and neighbours who are “inconsiderate”? Is it a belief like “I am not important”? Because other people get their partner to pick up things from the store and have neighbours who give a notice in advance, i.e. they “determine” their reality and circumstances, saying, they determine which consequences they have to deal with in the first place. What makes the difference?
Hi Joseann,
You are still giving meaning to the events and then asking why that happens to you.
That each event happened once (or twice) has no meaning, so you can’t ask why that happens to you. At some point you might ask why you choose a partner like that, but if it happens once or twice, you can’t.
Love, Morty
“boundaries” and “principals” exist in the realm of meaning, so yes, they would be dissolved, allowing you to see beyond them to the purpose they serve.
Take the above example: It would occur to me not only that “These creeps should keep it down” but also that “I shouldn’t be a jerk and impose my will on them.” Dissolve the occurring, and you have this: “I would like for us to come to some kind of cooperative agreement.” I’d ask them to keep it down, and maybe call the police if need be. Keep the occurrings and I’d probably scream and yell and make a fool of myself, and never mention it to anybody.
Which of these abides with the principal that I should defend my peace and quiet? Probably not one which has me preaching at my cat about how evil my neighbors are.
I have to agree. Many people seem to have some idea of how their behavior will negatively affect others. So when they engage in the behavior, they seem to be sending a message of disrespect, and that what they want is more important to them than what you want.
I can see the value of dissolving the “occurring” so that it doesn’t make you so upset, but ultimately, one should uphold certain principles – “we should respect our neighbor’s right to sleep” – and act on them.
Sometimes I wonder… if you are able to dissolve your occurrings, and detach meaning from events involving other people (again, many of whom are aware of their effect on you)… would that remove your ability or willingness to ACT when a principle is breached, or a common boundary is flagrantly broached?
That’s my question in a nutshell, That is my biggest concern about this method. Otherwise it makes a lot of sense.
I’ve pondered this question myself, Lisa. My only conclusion is that when others are appearing to be obviously disrespectful, they are in essense, “blinded” by their ego. The more we get upset and react, we are feeding our own ego – such as “I and my sleep are more important than my neighbor’s party” is simply applying judgement to a factual situation. The judgement is our burden, so the sooner we dissolve the meaning we’ve attached, the free-er we are to be at peace. Driving toward acceptance is the best for our well-being.
Hi Lisa,
Dissolving your “occurring”–the meaning you unconsciously and automatically assign to meaningless events–doesn’t keep you from acting. In fact, it enables you to act more effectively because you are dealing with what actually happened in reality instead of a meaning that exists only in your mind.
If you lose your job, you don’t have to consider it a disaster in order to look for a new job.
Love,Morty
Hi Lisa
I totally agree with you. I have used some methods and it does work. But it also maybe used to ‘excuse’ behaviour that maybe be disrespectful. A very fine line…:-)
B.S. if my neighbors are partying all night they DO realize others are sleeping and they ARE inconsiderate jerks.