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Bonnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives.
She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai (http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html),
which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book
called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
Read her original blog post and see my explanation why so many of us have these regrets.
“For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. …
“When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:”
1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
“This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”
Notice that Ms. Ware said they knew they had surrendered their dreams “due to choices they had made, or not made.” And what determined their choices? Beliefs such as:
It’s selfish to do what I want. I’m not worthy. I don’t deserve to have what I want. Mistakes and failure are bad. If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me. The way to survive is to do what others want me to do. I’m not good enough.
2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
The behavior leading to this regret is caused by many beliefs, the most important being: What makes me good enough and important are my achievements. What makes me good enough or important is being successful.
3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
Here are some beliefs that could keep people from expressing their feelings: My feelings are not important. If I express my feelings I’ll be rejected. What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me. Anger and conflict are dangerous.
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
Not staying in touch with friends could be caused by such beliefs as: What makes me good enough or important are my achievements. What makes me good enough or important is being successful. You have to work hard to make money. If I express myself I’ll get hurt. Relationships are painful.
5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
Read that again. They “did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.” Get rid of the beliefs that might keep you from realizing that happiness is a choice.
Life is difficult. You have to take life seriously. Having fun is childish and stupid. Mistakes and failure are bad. If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected. What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.
Don’t allow your beliefs to cause you to reach the end of your life having lived an unfulfilled life. Eliminate all the beliefs that could keep you from living a full life, from pursuing your dreams, from having your life be all that it can be.
I’d like to end this post with one of my favorite quotes from a former president, Teddy Roosevelt:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Your only real limits are the limits you place on yourself. Get rid of all those self-imposed limitations. It is possible.
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copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe
As a holistic health practitioner, I work with women who are experiencing physical and emotional pain at menopause. Better lifestyle choices – nutrition, supplements, cleansing, exercise, water consumption are all important to having a happier menopause. But it’s not everything. I inspire and empower women to pay attention to ‘old emotional stuff’ that presents itself during the menopause years, because it needs to be acknowledged and released. Most women don’t know how to do it without help and those old memories cause a lot of distress, anxiety and depression. Morty, I’ll now be recommending your program to help women release limiting beliefs to find personal peace, live with the end in mind and avoid having big regrets at the end of their lives.
Hi Wendy,
Thanks for recommending our work to your clients.
If you would like to become an affiliate for our Natural Confidence program, go to http://recreateyourlife.com/partnersignup.
Call if you have any questions. (415) 506-4472.
Love,Morty
I am a 52 year old woman …. married up until very recently….Well I decided to go ahead and make changes that I felt would lead to true happiness so that I would have no regrets… It turns out that I have created a whole new set of regrets that I will live with until the day I die, despite the fact that I am happier personally. So I guess it is a choice, and you never truly know the effect of your decisions until you make that change.
I am a 52 year old woman …. married up until very recently….Well I decided to go ahead and make changes that I felt would lead to true happiness so that I would have no regrets… It turns out that I have created a whole new set of regrets that I will live with until the day I die, despite the fact that I am happier personally. So I guess it is a choice, and you never truly know the effect of your decisions until you make that change.
Hello Terry H.
If you are happier personally, what could your new set of regrets be? As Morty says, find out what beliefs you have that are creating these regrets. It’s your choice to regret, also. Be good to yourself.
Thanks again, Morty.
Hi Janet…well my kids are no longer speaking to me and I have begun to doubt I really thought this out thoroughly enough. Although they are 19 and 20, they are kids with “high needs”, one who OD’ed just last year and the other who has learning and social issues and has always been immature. I am very happy with my new choice but have moved far away, perhaps too far, to have everything work.. It is very hard and sometimes I think it would have been easier to forget me so everyone would still be ok.
Hi Terry,
There is a fine line between supporting the people in our lives and enabling them to be helpless. I’m not saying that you are, but I had to let go of my oldest son so that he could learn to handle his own life. It feels awful at the time, but it is not up to us to sacrifice ourselves for others not to mention taking away their ability to cope. We are no help to them at all if we do that.
My husband also has a son who is not speaking to him. The reason is not about my husband but about his son and where he is in his growth. Sometimes you just have to let go. I hope this helps you Terry. Thanks Morty.
Thank you Morty for sharing your perspective. It is something to think about.
I wish these posted were emailed straight into my brain inbox! Good reminder we must LIVE. I’m thankful for all those who shared their many experiences before moving up and on; or what the did’nt. Peace.
that is so special, sarcasm alert, yes in many ways our culture has created a runaway train that many refuse to get off. lol. Just what we dont need is more philosophical bullshit that someone else says we need in order to slow down and enjoy life. It’s ironic that the ones who claim to have solutions are actually part of the problem. The problem that our carrot chasing mentality has created for ourselves and those who refuse to ride the trains any longer. lol
A very good post and I appreciate all of the information I’ve received; good quality information that can be applied instantaneously. Needed to read this post at this moment in my life.
Thanks, Morty,
Great thought-provoking content, as usual!
Peace, light and love,
Kay
Hi Morty, this is a great post, worth repeating, monthly at least : )
Anyone who has been in one of my trainings would recognize the regret reference. When I was in my early 30’s, and particularly lost and despondent, I spent a day in a retirement home, thinking that older people who had many more years of life experience might be able to help me and offer some wise advice. I talked to probably 10 people there, all probably over 70. I asked what were the important life lessons they learned that they could pass along to me, what was the “key to happiness?” “Secret to ‘success’?” “Secret of life?” I remember some deep conversations, a few tears and beautiful people, some very near the end of their life. I don’t remember one “secret of life” though no doubt they told me something about that. What I do remember, 40+ years later, is that everyone of them talked mostly about regrets, “Sonny, before it’s too late make sure you… I wish I would have_____, but now it’s too late. Why didn’t I…” They talked about missing their son’s baseball game or daughter’s ballet recital. One said she always wanted to learn to play the piano, “…but now it’s too late. Look at my hands, they’re all arthritic.” Another said he always wanted to write a book and never got around to it. They all had their stories of regret, and “now it’s too late.”.
This had a huge impact on me as I realized that If I didn’t make some changes immediately I was looking at me–one of those 90 year olds near the end of my life looking back saying, “It’s too late now.”.
Now I’m probably nearer the end than the beginning of my life and I can thankfully say I have no regrets! So, thank you to all those folks at Cascade Manor Retirement Home who took the time to chat with a young(er) me. They probably never knew the impact their words had on me.
Your post is a huge service if even one of your readers makes a choice to be true to their SELF and decides to follow THEIR heart.
Terry – THANK YOU SO MUCH for your post.
You just inspired me to set aside a chunk of time this weekend and get real clear on my “why?”. The “why” of my life.
Thank you.
Tommy
Terry,
Loved your post! I am 54 soon to be 55 in another month. I am going to take your’s and Morty’s words to heart and create a life that I enjoy. When I’m “closer to the end rather than the beginning” I hope to look back with satisfaction instead of regret. Your story is an inspiration that will become my intention. Thank you!
Love and Light,
Lauren
The one thing that did NOT resonate with me is “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends”. Truthfully, I had lousy friends. I did all the work trying to maintain friendships. They were judmental, they stood by when I got bullied, none of them stood up for me. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that I had to stand up for me, no one else had to. And I learned that I always had a choice in who I wanted for friends. Friendship should be easy, not hard. Once I released my belief that bad friends were better than no friends, I found that I recognized immediately if a friendship was good or bad for me, and I could let go of any angst about NOT having that person in my life. I feel much more free!!
Sorry to hear Lori S, but from what you describe it seems they weren’t true friends. “True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like pebble-stones, found everywhere.”
Take care.
Hi Morty, very interesting post, thank you for the link. I would be curious to know if the following sentence is actually correct?
They “did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.”
Do we have a choice as long as we are under the influence of beliefs or not? I mean we have the choice to get rid of them, thanks to you, but as long as they operate in our lives, how big a choice do we have?
And I wish there were wise quotes for women as well, this victory and defeat thing really doesn’t rock my boat. I guess it’s a guy thing :-). It’s one of the things that holds me back for sure, that there is only winners and losers, nothing in between any more, it seems. “And the winner takes it all”. Sigh.
But a great post, gives a lot to think about and definitely encouraging, thank you.
Hi Joseann,
That’s the point. We have little choice given our beleifs, but the choice to eliminate our beliefs gives us the ultimate choice. We have the power to create our lives.
Love,Morty
Your latest post could not have come at a better time for me. I an currently in a dark place and although I long for the light, I know in my heart that the only light will shine from inside me when the time is right.
Due to a combination of my age, 57, and my memories and life experiences, my life has become a burden instead of an adventure. I have become immobilised by worries and doubts and when I read your post I realised that a lot of my worries are about my concern for what others expect of me.
Your post has shown me the key to unlock my door, I am no longer going worry about doing what I think is expected of me.
I previously thought of this as being selfish but I now see that doing what I need to do is actually listening to myself and only by letting go will I be able to move forward.
I am lucky enough that I am no longer on the ‘treadmill’ but now I am going to laugh again and start moving again.
Thank you Morty, for your truly inspirational post.
Tony – I empathize with you, and have been/had been in a similar place all throughout my 30s. Turned 40 last year, and the light, and my light, has REALLY started to shine.
Two things that have really helped me are: (1) daily meditation and communion in whatever you believe to be bigger than us; I just call it Source energy, or God, or whatever. Just 15 minutes of being still; takes awhile for the mind to slow down and thoughts to stop racing (I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar, OCD and ADD; but med’s don’t work for me so I knew I had to find the answer from within, and it – my power – was there all the time. (2) releasing popularized by Lester Levenson and then his students Hale Dowskin (The Sedona Method), Larry Crane (The Release Technique) and Steven Seratin (spelling?).
Anyway, this is a long way in saying, and suggesting, meditation and releasing in combination with Morty’s work. Neither replaces the other. They’re both just good tools, among an infinite number of possibilities, that have helped me.
Best wishes. You’re more powerful than you know. Most of us are.
Tommy, Seattle
Thanks for your comments Tommy, I am already looking at meditation and found your views to be very encouraging. I will persevere with meditation and release.
I am also currently being assessed for bi-polar (last two years) and also, like you, am not impressed with the medication side. I just don’t think it is working and that’s why I’m looking to other solutions. I am finding that the more I learn about the condition and myself the more able I am to cope with it.
Thanks again for your reply, and best wishes for the future.
Tony, UK
Tony P.,
Congratulations on your discovery. Keep this post where you can see it often. Sometimes it’s hard to ‘hold that thought’.
Great post Morty! This one will strike a chord with a lot of people. When the end is near, the priorities are clear.
Morty,
What a powerful post, I think everyone needs to read the information contained in it. It is very thought provoking. Thank you.
“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
Yes, it is good to have friends. But one has to be careful with the type of friends he or she has. In all my life I thought I had three good friends.
Two of them did not match my beliefs. The first one changed drastically in his behavior – took to drinking, smoking and other vices I could not tolerate. He would tell me tales that could have been the source for fiction. I dropped him because he was becoming a negative force to my life.
The second man was always right and never wanted to see me do well. He would criticize even the good things I did. He wanted treat me like a door mat. When I got into trouble, he did not want to help me and advised me not to seek legal help. Had I got legal help I would have saved myself from embarrassment. I dropped him too.
The third man was a gentleman. We would argue on many issues. But he was wrong he would acknowledge and I did likewise. We supported each other during bad and good times. He was religious and had good and strong principles that guided him. Unfortunately he passed away last year. A great loss to me.
What I am trying to say is that not all can become good friends. Friends must be a positive influence in one’s life. If they are not, drop them like a ton of bricks. At the same time one should also be honest and try as far as possible to be upright. Right now I have no good friends. But I do not regret it because it is difficult to find people of good nature.
Please amend this line to ” But when he was wrong he would acknowledge and I did the same”
This is one of your best posts in a while, Morty. I think about my own regrets every day, and I’m 21.
I agree with Alex, Im only 22 and I think about my pasts regrets and strive to live a life without regrets. I have only within the last 6 months realized that happiness is a choice and the best one I have ever made.
And I agree with both Alex & Tyler I am 23 years old (seriously) & looking back and seeing my life as a proccess which came about due to my decisions and action. To be honest I would not wish this kind of life for anyone & at the end of the day I am seeing that this life didn’t came about by my free choice, however by my limits – beliefs I created as a child.
Thanks Morty & all the best to you all