Do you often walk away from people thinking, “Did I say the right thing”; did I offend someone”; “should I have said or asked …”?
Do you frequently hear that “little voice” in your head saying: “What will they think?”?
Do you often feel you need to be a certain way and you can’t just be yourself?
Most of us are concerned about what others think about us and we say and do things just to get the approval of others. These thoughts and behaviors seem to be so much a part of who we are and are so common in others that we assume that they are just part of being human.
In fact, however, you can eradicate these thoughts and behaviors forever.
How? By eliminating the beliefs that cause them. Although this problem can be caused by different beliefs in different people, there is one specific belief that anyone with this problem almost certainly has: “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me.”
Today, I’m going to tell you how this belief is formed, why so many people have it (maybe even you) and how getting rid of this belief will transform your life.
How Negative Self-esteem Beliefs Are Formed
Early in life many of us form negative beliefs about ourselves like “I’m not good enough.” (Almost every one of the 13,000 clients we’ve had from 34 countries around the world has had this belief.) Because most parents expect children to do things that are unrealistic for their age (such as be neat and quiet and come when called at the age of three or four), and because most parents get frustrated, annoyed or angry when their children don’t do what they’re told, most children conclude “there must be something wrong with me” if mom and dad are upset with me so often, or “I’m not good enough.”
Because our beliefs about ourselves are usually formed during the first six years of life, most of us already have this belief when we leave our homes and go out into the world of teachers, other kids, school, etc. Obviously a belief like this would make us think as we start school: “How will I get people to like me and how will I make it in the world if I’m not good enough?”
And those thoughts, in turn, would lead to us feeling “not okay” about ourselves and anxious to some extent.
And then one day a solution appears. We do something that our parents (or perhaps a teacher or coach) like and they give us a very positive response. How does that make us feel? Happy and very good about ourselves.
The first few times that happens we feel good but don’t make anything of it. And then after this progression of events occurs a few times we conclude: If I didn’t feel good about myself, and then after getting praise and/or positive attention I do feel good about myself, what that means is: “What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.”
This is a very special type of belief. It is a belief that tells us what needs to happen in order to experience being okay. And when it doesn’t happen we don’t feel very good about ourselves.
Well, if we don’t experience being good enough the way we are and we need something outside ourselves to become good enough, how often would we want that outside something to occur? All the time! Anytime anyone doesn’t like us, rejects us, or thinks poorly of us, we have lost our “survival strategy,” our method for making us feel good about ourselves. At that point the underlying belief: “I’m not good enough,” is uncovered and stares us in the face, leaving us feeling not good enough and producing some level of anxiety.
As a result, the need to have others think well of us is experienced like a drug addiction by many people. When they achieve it they feel good for the moment, but it’s only a matter of time before they need another “fix.” At that point they become obsessed about getting it.
There are other “survival strategy” beliefs, such as What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly; what makes me good enough is being successful/wealthy (can you see now see why some people are obsessed with this?); and what makes me good enough is taking care of others. And it’s possible to have more than one. But based on our experience in our private practice, “having people think well of me” is the most common.
It now should be clear why so many people are obsessed about what others think about them: Most people have the belief “I’m not good enough” (or some variation of it) and “having people think well of me” is the remedy most of us have found to cover up the anxiety that stems from having that belief.
If the obsession about having people think well of us is a direct result of having several beliefs, the way to get rid of the obsession is to get rid of these beliefs. You can eliminate “I’m not good enough” using our free interactive web program at http://www.recreateyourlife.com. You also can buy a program there that will enable you to eliminate “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me,” as well as a number of other crippling beliefs.
Thanks for reading my blog. Comments and questions are welcomed.
Follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/mortylefkoe and join our fan page on Facebook (The Lefkoe Institute) to get our latest insights on the role of beliefs in our lives.
Worrying, Worrying,….more Worrying about anything
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diJF-VQXbJY&list=PL75AC5BFB3DDD4CB8
Hi Kasuni,
Worrying is the result of the meaning we give events moment to moment. By the time you complete our Lefkoe Freedom Course you will have stopped giving meaning … and stopped worrying.
http://lefkoefreedomcourse.com/discover.
Love, Morty
You are my aspiration , I possess few blogs and often run out from to post .
hello morty,
my question is suppose i have a belief
‘i am powerless” now i have this feeling when i was dominated by my mother and as well as my brother but both belief have there unique type .like in case of my brother it is stronger so how do u think i should proceed in this or do u think that the way i came up with this belief is totally wrong i mean it should have all together different feeling for the two beliefs.
Morty
first of all the Lefkoe method rocks,its amazing.i haven’t gone through the course as i stay in India and its quite expensive from here,but i have a confusion .The belief “i am not important” have a survival belief “what makes me important is people thinking good about me” ,now if i get rid of the first i will not require any survival belief since the source is gone .Then why do i need to get rid of this belief as ” i am not important ” is already eliminated.
Hi Mayuk,
You have to get rid of it even though the underlying belief is gone because it will continue to run your life as long as you hold it. Because you still think it is true.
Love, Morty
Some of the fear of what others might think stems from the belief that, if I’m not approved by everyone, then I will be alone. It’s a fear of being alienated from the rest of the world. I would rather be authentic and risk alienation, then be someone I am not.
Have u heard of Gregg Braden? He wrote the book…”The Spontaneous Healing Of Belief: Shattering The Paradigm Of False Limits” A FANTASTIC read….and very much to your point, as well. You’ve hit the nail on the head, my friend. TY ~Audrey
I want to thank you very much for your work, Morty, I understand a lot more about myself, one thing particularly, about this issue, is the fact that I assumed that what other people think about me WAS THE TRUTH!
That they were right, that not always is the case, in fact what they think is often caused by their beliefs.
So what other people think about me, has nothing to do with me.
Be it nice or bad, I’m not good nor bad, I am what I am, that’s all.
What a revelation! ;)
Hi Alessandra,
I thrilled that our work is making such a profound difference in your life. And the more beliefs you eliminate, the freer you will get.
Yes, you are the creator of that creation.
Regards, Morty
Hi!
I want to buy your program, but I don’t have a credit card… :(
How can I have it? :(
Hi Maija,
I just noticed this question. Did anyone ever answer you?
If not, you can buy the program on PayPal. If you have any questions, please call us at (415) 506-4472.
Regards, Morty
Hi Morty,
Nice work on your insights. I was once a very deeply troubled individual. I had always lacked self-esteem since I was like 7-8 years old. I told no one and sought no help cos I was too fearful of what people might think of me. And so I lived a life of misery for like 30 odd years now. The confusion or self-distrust went on inside, within my being. I did my best to conceal it. People around me knew that I was somewhat troubled but no one approached me. Dont ask me why. But like 4 years ago, something from within urged me to cure myself. And so I spent the last four years seriously seeking the remedy. And now I am free of all the illusions that had webbed my consciousness all these years. And I became free through self-knowledge. I discovered who I am and proceeded to acquire original faculties and abilities. So if you ask me, self-knowledge is the subject at hand. And I wrote this hoping someone here can benefit from my insights. I lost myself for thirty years but now I’ve found it. There’s another little voice that speaks truthfully. And that’s the real powerful YOU. Cheers all.
Hi Akku,
I’m thrilled that merely eliminating only two beliefs has made such a difference in your life. I can’t wait to hear from you after you eliminate all the beliefs and conditionings in the Natural Confidence program. I promise you will increase your confidence, stop worrying about what others think of you, and quiet the critical little voice in your head.
And it is never too late.
Regards, Morty
hi ,i had this problem from time unknown.i was an anxious and withdrawn kid,who was tortured by the pain of ‘iam not good enough”belief..as i grew older, it became more stronger.i tried to overcome the feeling of self doubt by volunteering in leadership programs but i was a failure in the long run since i turned out to be a perfectionist picky leader who wants things done at the right time and with the same level of purity i wanted. so i quit.i was an emotional being, a bore all my life…i knew it was something in my childhood that caused all my problems and i started hating my parents.always blamed them…i ve read most of the self help books ,try to follow them ,but the spirit never lasts as i always end up being emotional, not able to keep my promises to self…i was about to give up, thinking i cant change…when i joined twitter and recieved your posts. thanks a lot dear morty. it did bring some awesome changes to me after i eliminated by belief of “iam not good enough “and “iam not capable”..through the free online sessions…thanks a lot. my greatest problem at present is lack of self confidence and “what others think of me”and the little voice” and everything u can mention…oh gosh, the realisation that im the maker of my believes and im the creator of my life is wonderful…looking forward to eliminate my beliefs before it is too late…happy new year… thanks for ur method, it really works…
hai friends ,recently i faced one problems that t make a mistake but i was not able to forget this mistake. i was warry too much about this ,i lost my positiveness .i was thinking about sucide.but in that time i get a well speech from my elders so i would chaleenged to face this problems.so i decided to live like a good manner.
so friends don’t think what others think about us .because they have theier own problems .so please not take negative decission in any time of our life ok bai,takecare gooluk
hai maine is ash
hai my name is ash from ……. i was studiied in my final y year bcom,
when i make a mistake i was warry toomuch about that .i get depression very quickly.so, i would like to overcome this problems..so friends don,t warry about what others think
ok, ive done my fair share of therapy/self help and im only 22. i cant explain the feeling of finally having found the answer. what i cannot understand is that this program is not sent express. this is not the kind of thing you can buy with money. it is priceless, and i am yet to even recieve it in the mail yet. but i cannot wait to see the way my life changes in a way i realistically will have no control over as the beliefs go. the only logical reason one could have for not buying what you have to offer is they are to afraid of change. ive wasted many years of my life and if i were to give any feedback it would be that im wasting another couple of weeks waiting for this. im not angry or anything, nor am i trying to leave a comment that will help advertise what you have to offer, im simply just smart enough as a 22 year old to know that this should be sent express.
Thx Morty in advance, very impressed!
You have to be open and make sure that you get to the source or root of the belief. When I have had trouble finding the source, I used one of their facilitators and I have had great results. Their process has changed the way I view my life. Maybe you should give them a call and talk to them.
Must say, I was very disappointed after having bought the eliminate fear of public speaking DVDs, spent hrs on them before a speaking engagement, and had no results! I even went through the extra beliefs and conditioning at the end and the social anxiety beliefs just to be sure. Is there something very wrong with me or is this program just not for everybody?
So disappointed, I had so been looking forward to the wonderful results….
I’ve only had a hard time when I couldn’t visualize and really connect with the source of my belief. Making sure to take a second to pause during the video on the website to visualize and think about what is being said helps me.
I’m going through the 19 beliefs now, good so far. It would be interesting to know some other common beliefs so we could run them through the process on our own.
cheers
Hi Monica,
There is a lot of good material out there. But if you want to get rid of the underlying beliefs that cause you to need the approval of others, that make you feel not capable even though you know you are, that causes you to not trust yourself.
You can get the 19 beliefs and four conditionings in an on-line package at http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html
Regards, Morty
Hi Truyen,
The way to not be concerned with what others think is to eliminate the beliefs that cause that concern. We have an on-line program that enables you to eliminate all the beliefs that have you need the approval of others. Go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/sales
Let me know what it feels like after the concern with others is totally gone.
Regards, Morty
Thanks Morty, as usual, you nailed it on the head so well. I am so grateful that you have chosen to share this information with us all. It has helped so many and I love reading what you have to say. Thank you over and over again. Joy
Wow, It was a good reading. I needed to hear this. I try to live my life not thinking about what others think of me because as long as my children are happy and I am happy then It does not matter but sometimes I let it go and wonder what others think, I hate it when I do that. Thanks
Hi Morty,
Nice to see several great comments on your blog. I have several followers who are trying to please their boss in exagerated ways and who could gain by using your techniques. It seems the more authoritarian a supervisor is, the more an employee will go out of his/her way to please the boss, many times with undesired results! I would appreciate your thoughts on the subject.
Guy
http://www.myincompetentboss.com
Hi Guy,
The more you think you will not get someone’s approval, the harder you try to get it. As I said, it’s like an addiction: not having approval results in anxiety, so you compulsively pursue it.
Regards, Morty
Beautiful and effective work Morty! Thanks
I am in the best emotional moment ever and feeling an urge to please myself… My kids are growing and it is time to go back to work… In my case, I am in a position where I can peacefully choose what I am really passionate about and embrace it with all my heart… Trouble is, even being free from ‘peer’s pressure’, I still don’t know how to find it… How to choose among the many things I love? How to know what we are really passionate about? I’ll appreciate any hints
Grace be with you
Hi Helenice,
My experience is that when people have no limiting beliefs in the way (beliefs such as I’m not good enough, I’m powerless, I’ll never get what I want, etc.) then all you need to do is allow yourself to experience what you enjoy and care about. What keeps us from finding and/or acting on our passions are our limiting beliefs.
Regards, Morty
Dear Morty: I have done a lot of emotional work, during many years…Any way I still need the approval of the people…Although I know in my mind that I am a capable person in the work that I do, I don’t feel it. I don’t trust on me in many circumstances and ways.
Now, there are so many products and information about spritual and emotional work that is very difficult to know which products are good…I already have bought Noel Jones CD´S, Zen meditation, Iann Legg program, etc etc…and I’m a member of the Masters Gatherins too…Every day I receive a lot of emails with look like very interesting, then it is difficult for me to make a selecction of all that information…I’m overwhelm.. ¿What do you think about? Thank you for your valuable response, A hug, Mónica.
Hi Monica,
I don’t really have any advice on which programs are better than others. There’s a lot of good stuff out there.
If you want oi get rid of your sense that you aren’t capable or anything like that, The Lefkoe Method is guaranteed to eliminate beliefs. Try getting rid of one for free at http:/www.recreateyourlife.com and purchase the program of 19 beliefs and four conditio0nings if you find it works for you.
Regards, Morty
I am certainly not a “people pleaser” but there’s lots here to think about and different ways that the “addiction” works.
Powerful stuff Morty!
Hi MOrty,
First I would like to thanks to you for a very good blog. You always talk about things that I have on my heart and mind. Not long ago, I always tried to satisfies people around me, It was important to me that they think I am a good person!
Now is very different, I do every thing for the others even now but this time I do Because I want from bottom of my heart, and not a single sekund I think about their thoughts about me.
Your program and blog helped me alot. I guess I am on right path on my life journey.
Be always happy
/Shahrzad
Dear,
My name’s Truyen in Vietnam. All you have said was true. I am among the person like that. And that is the biggest mistake I cannnot remove up to now. I am a confdent man thanks to my profound knowledge. But in some situation in everyday life, I always wonder ” If every one satisfies with my action” or ” Do they feel good about me? “, some questions like that. So, I am really tired to do all the action in oder to satisfy every people around me. I remember a saying ” Do not expect to satisfy all the people around you if you want to suceed in the future”. How can I eliminate my mistake right now.
Mr.Truyen Pham
Hi Truyen,
You can get rid of that belief and 18 other limiting beliefs from my website: http:www.recreateyourlife.com/sales.html
Regards, Morty
Hi Christopher,
We don’t help people understand why a belief is not true. That IS easy. We help people eliminate the belief so that it no longer affects you. No one else that I am aware of can guarantee to do that. And once the belief is gone, you don’t need to replace it with anything. You are just no longer concerned with what people think about you and your sense of self-worth no longer depends on the opinion of others.
Regards, Morty
Understanding how a belief is untrue is easy installing a belief now thats doing something.
Hi barbara,
I’m not sure what explains your reaction, but one possibility might be: When you need someone’s approval to experience being OK, you can resent that person for the power they have over you. When the belief went away, the resentment went away, and there was space for you to be more loving.
Not sure why you needed to go though the other beliefs more than once. Most of the time the beliefs will go away after going through the process once.
Regards, Morty
Probably from relief, you have been under burden of that belief for how long? Same as freeing an animal from a trap.
Morty,
I have a question about this belief. I just worked on it a few days ago with your program, and noticed that I felt much more loving and giving towards my husband after working on it. I gave him a foot rub for the 1st time in 31 years!! My question is why did getting rid of the belief “What makes me good enough is having people think well of me,” make me feel and behave more loving? Also, I’ve noticed that it’s taken a “repeat” of almost all of 1st 5 beliefs and the 4 money beliefs to work thru them….just a comment.
Thanx in advance for explaining my reaction to letting this belief go; it had me baffled even before I read your blog about it just now.
Barbara
I’ve read alot on this topic of late….I have been a classic people pleaser. What I have come to realize is that the very best compliment comes from myself. I believe the sincerity of it because I recognize the efforts I put forth to achieve it. Self love will overcome the need for outside recognition, although admiration will automatically increase for you because of the way you present yourself; not someone in need of recognition, but someone who is confident and glowing and fufilled.
Hi Sherri,
I agree that the experience of oneself as good enough and important will eliminate your NEED for the approval of others before the belief is ever formed. But ti won’t automatically get rid of the need if you’ve already formed the belief. The first step to get to that point is to eliminate the limiting underlying beliefs( such as I’m not good enough and I’m not important) and then eliminate the survival strategy belief, what makes me good enogh or important is having people think well of me.
Have a great day, Morty
Have a great day, Morty
Wow! I am a classic caretaker… I can’t just show up somewhere and be myself. I constantly bring homemade cakes or gifts to people and then hound them about whether or not they liked it. Talk about needing outside approval : ) THANK YOU for this post.