It was three o’clock in the morning and Morty awoke with an insight that rocked him to his core.
We were in Costa Rica and I had just done a parenting talk. He looked at me and said, “You can’t love unconditionally if you judge someone.”
I said, “That’s not true, I love unconditionally and I sometimes judge.”
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You may love unconditionally, but when you are judging someone the person you love won’t feel unconditionally loved. So therefore in order to really express unconditional love, there has to be no judgment.”
He went on to tell me about his relationship with Britt and how it changed when he stopped giving meaning to what she did. Morty had always had a fabulous relationship with his kids. But, when Britt was a teenager, they went through a rocky patch. He would ask her how her day was and she would reply, “Oh my god, you’re so annoying!” He would walk away feeling hurt and upset, thinking that their relationship had changed and she no longer loved him the way she had when she was younger.
At some point, he realized that her frustration had nothing to do with him. She was a teenager, going through teenage things, and he just needed to love her through it. One day, she called him a terrible name and stomped off to her room, and slammed the door. Morty went up to the door and said “I hear a teenager who loves her dad and is not in touch with it right now.” We heard a shoe being thrown at the door and then laughter. She came out and said, “Oh daddy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I love you so much and I’m sorry I’ve been so terrible to you.”
From that day on their relationship was transformed. She held his hand when they walked down the street, even when they walked by her high school. She wasn’t embarrassed. She just loved being with him.
Before my husband died he called both our daughters in to “complete” with them. Getting “complete” means saying everything you wish to say to a person, making sure there is nothing left unexpressed. Morty and the girls discovered that they were already complete. Our daughters said that there was never a day of their lives when they didn’t feel unconditionally loved and they never felt judged. There was nothing that hadn’t been said.
The same was true for me as well. Morty told me and showed me how much he loved me every day for thirty-five years.
When you get to the end of the journey you realize that your accomplishments are perhaps admirable, but what matters most was that you loved well and were loved well.
Please tell your loved ones that they are cherished and adored. Show them in special ways. There was a parable that our minister at the Unitarian Universalist church ended all of his sermons with that I’d like to share now.
He said, “If there is any kind and generous thing that I can do let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I may not pass this way again.”
The kindest and most generous thing you can do is to be as loving as you can to all the people in your life. So I urge you to never let an opportunity to express love pass you by. Morty never did.
How to eliminate 19 beliefs that have people stop just short of their goals
Why are people afraid to do new things? Why do they sometimes feel like impostors? Why don’t they just assume they will figure out how to make things work?
The answer is limiting beliefs. Specifically, self-beliefs.
When you have a limiting belief about yourself, it’s hard to escape. You are with your “self” all day long. But when you change a self-belief, what happens? The invisible barrier in your way seems to vanish.
Announcing Natural Confidence: A way to eliminate self-doubt
The Natural Confidence program isn’t a rah, rah cheerleader saying, “you can do it.” We know that kind of message doesn’t lead to lasting change. Instead, you unlearn the beliefs that keep you from knowing that you’ll find a way to reach your goals and overcome problems. When that happens, you experience the freedom to act. You can try Natural Confidence and see the many success stories of people who tried the program.
