In 333 BC Alexander the Great and his army marched into Gordium, the capital of Phrygia. He observed a tangled set of knots tied to a wagon. The bundle was so complex it was impossible to see how they were fastened. Phrygian legend had it that anyone who could unravel the complex set of knots would become the ruler of all of Asia. The ancient historian Arrian said that Alexander was immediately “seized with an ardent desire” to untie the knot
He tried for hours and made no progress. Then he stood back and said, “It makes no difference how they are loosed.” Then sliced the knot in half with his sword.
To solve the puzzle Alexander decided to ignore the unspoken conditions others had accepted – that you must untie the knot – and used his sword to cut right through the problem. Similarly, when it comes to building self-esteem people assume a set of conditions. That you must achieve to build your self-esteem. That you must get recognition and praise from others. That life must go pretty well or else we’ll feel down about ourselves. As you can probably tell, I don’t agree with any of these assumptions.
I believe it’s possible to have unconditional self-esteem
Before I go into how I know this, I’ll define unconditional self-esteem. Unconditional self-esteem is feeling OK about yourself regardless of what happens in your life. So if you succeed you feel OK about you. If you fail, you still feel OK about you. That doesn’t mean you enjoy failing. You just continue to like yourself regardless of what happens.
The same is true when it comes to how others feel about you. Someone may like you or not. You might get praise or not. No matter what you still feel OK as a person. Your sense of yourself is rock solid.
Unconditional self-worth allows you to feel OK even if everything in your life is not OK. This is an empowering way to be. You can remain centered and stable even when a storm of events whirls around you.
The question is then, how does one get this internal stability?
To get to this point requires that you eliminate two different kinds of beliefs. 1) Self-beliefs and 2) survival strategy beliefs.
1) Self-Beliefs
Self-beliefs are any beliefs you have about yourself. “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not important”, “I’m not worthwhile.” They tell you that you’re OK or not OK. When you eliminate a self-belief, you often feel that a weight has been lifted. A natural feeling of confidence rises up within you. It’s not forced. It’s just there. You also feel worthy for no reason at all. You just do.
2) Survival Strategy Beliefs
These are beliefs that say your self worth is contingent on something “good” happening. A belief like “What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly” makes you feel you need to do something just right before you can feel OK. A belief like “What makes me important is achieving” makes you feel you must reach important goals to feel good about yourself.
Both types of beliefs need to be eliminated in order to have unconditional self-worth.
I used to worry about what others thought about me constantly. After eliminating self-beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” and the survival strategy belief “What makes me good enough is having other people think well of” me that inner voice became quiet. I am now myself 24/7. I no longer feel defined by anything outside of me. It’s true freedom and makes my life way more fun.
But isn’t it natural to feel bad when things go wrong?
Yes, it is common that people feel bad when things go wrong. When my husband died, I felt deep sorrow. I still miss him to this day. I’ll likely miss him for the rest of my life. However, I don’t feel bad about myself as a result of his passing.
I’ve met other wives who started to feel incompetent when they struggled to do what their husbands did for them or unworthy especially when they see other people enjoying life while they’re still grieving. Some negative feelings are of course natural. But self-judgment can always be eliminated if we get rid of limiting beliefs about ourselves.
You can get rid of self-beliefs by using our free belief program at www.recreateyourlife.com/free and our Natural Confidence Program shows you how to eliminate survival strategy beliefs as well. One thing to keep in mind though, you must eliminate self-beliefs before you try eliminating survival strategy beliefs. You want to get rid of the belief that has you feel not OK before you get rid of the belief that tries to make you feel OK.
Summary
- Unconditional self-esteem is feeling OK about yourself regardless of what happens to you
- It empowers you to do what matters in life even when things don’t go your way
- To gain unconditional self-worth, you need to eliminate two kinds of beliefs: 1) self-beliefs and 2) survival strategy beliefs
- Feeling bad about some unwanted events can’t always be avoided but we can keep from feeling bad about ourselves when we eliminate limiting beliefs
Typical strategies for raising self-esteem take a long time and can be like trying to unravel the Gordion Knot. Eliminating beliefs is a bit more like having Alexander’s sword cut through to immediate relief.
Next step
The best way I know of to eliminate beliefs on your own is with our Natural Confidence Program. It helps you regain the natural confidence we are all born with but tend to lose as we get older. It contains videos that guide you into eliminating 19 limiting beliefs we’ve found most people have. When you’re done with the program, you’ll feel lighter, stronger, and more capable. You’ll take actions you’ve been avoiding for years. You can see dozens of success stories about the program here: https://recreateyourlife.com/store/nc-success-stories.php
