Many of you have taken several excellent courses and have read many brilliant books, and you now know exactly what you need to do to have your life be the way you want it to be. The problem is you have beliefs and conditionings in the way of effectively using what you’ve learned. Once you add transformation to the information, the barriers to success and happiness will be gone. Let me explain.
Most good workshops and courses provide interesting realizations: You might discover ways in which you sabotage yourself that you had not previously been aware of. Or you realize for the first time that your behavior is inappropriate in certain situations. Or you discover something in your past that seems to still be affecting you today. Or you learn a series of steps that, if followed, should improve your chances of business success. Or ….
These are useful pieces of information that have the potential to improve the quality of your life. But they are rarely sufficient to make a permanently change in your behavior or emotional life. I would call them “useful,” but not “transformational.”
The difference between useful and transformational
By useful I mean something that helps you make better decisions. By transformational I mean something that results in a fundamental shift in how you process some aspect of reality.
An example of useful is a list of things you can do that would improve your relationships, for example, don’t expect the other person to make you happy, recognize that your reaction to your partner is a result of the meaning you give what she does and not the result of what she actually does, and express appreciation to your partner for anything she does for you or for the relationship.
If you did these things, you definitely would have a happier and more satisfying relationship.
By transformational I mean a radical shift in your experience of yourself or life that results in you being able to act and feel differently, and process information more effectively.
Transformational experiences can include eliminating limiting beliefs, de-conditioning stimuli that cause negative feelings, de-conditioning stimuli that cause undesirable behavior, being able to dissolve the meaning you give meaningless events, and meditation.
There are a great many useful books and courses out there. There are very few transformational ones.
This blog and most other written information are merely useful; you learn what to do to get what you want. But they are unlikely to help you actually get what you want unless you have already experienced transformation.
Useful is not really useful without transformation
My wife Shelly, who is a Certified Lefkoe Method Facilitator, tells the story of a client who called her when the client returned from a T. Harv Eker workshop. “I’m so excited. As a result of the workshop I bought the summer house of my dreams,” she exclaimed to Shelly. Shelly was obviously happy for her, but was aware of the work the client had done before she attended the workshop. So Shelly asked, “What did your friends buy?” “Nothing,” the client admitted.
Shelly opened the client’s file and read several of the beliefs the client had eliminated before she attended the workshop: Money is scarce and hard to get, You have to save your money for a rainy day, I’m not deserving, and Mistake and failure are bad. Would the client have used the obviously useful information in Eker’s workshop if she still had had these and other similar beliefs? Unlikely.
The problem is that often you need transformation in order to take advantage of the useful information. As another example, assume that you learn that success in almost any field of endeavor requires you to take risks, do what you think right regardless of the opinions of others, and act in the face of fear. If you believe Mistakes and failure are bad, If I make a mistake or fail I’ll be rejected, I’m not good enough, and What makes me good enough and important is having people think well of me, it would be almost impossible to implement what you learned.
Transformation would consist of eliminating these four and other relevant beliefs so that you were able to make use of the useful information. It would result in a fundamental shift in some aspect of how you experience life so that useful information could actually be used.
Another excellent example of how useful information can require transformation to be effective is the people who understand something well enough to teach it, yet who do not walk their talk. There are many people who teach how to have great relationships who do not practice what they preach and whose relationships fail. Not all failed relationships are someone’s fault; some people just don’t go well together. But merely knowing what to do does not insure you will do it if you have beliefs and conditioning in the way.
The Lefkoe Method (TLM) is obviously not the only transformational program out there, but unfortunately many of the programs that claim to be are not. They teach you about transformation, in other words, you get information about transformation, but they don’t result in you actually transforming. Knowing that your life is determined largely by beliefs and conditioning and even knowing how to eliminate them is useful information. Actually eliminating beliefs and conditioning is transformational.
On the other hand, transforming your experience of yourself and life will not necessarily enable you to have a better relationship or make more money. You will have removed some barriers to doing that, but in most cases you still need useful information. So I am not saying that useful information is not valuable and that only transformation is. You need both in most cases.
The missing link
Stop beating yourself up for not using the useful information you spent so much time and money to obtain. You only have half of what is required. Now it’s time to get the other half and cash in on all the effort you’ve put forth so far, whether you use TLM or some other transformational program.
Be a good consumer. First, know the difference between useful and transformational. Second, make sure you know which one you need. And finally, make sure you find the program that gives you what you are looking for.
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copyright ©2012 Morty Lefkoe
Having given this issue some more thought I concluded that I am prejudiced, biased and have stereotypes because other people over many years modelled that “Prejudices, biases and stereo types are acceptable”. So using TLM I have found the belief to eliminate and the source and I see that the alternative is that they are just plain wrong and that I never heard this was the truth. So I accept that this belief that existed in my mind is false and my truth in my world is that prejudice, bias and stereotyping is completely unacceptable.
As I said before I have found your method to be both useful and transformational. I accept that both are needed.
Looking at the bigger picture I would say that eliminating negative beliefs is useful and that installing positive beliefs is transformational. Both are needed.
For anyone who wants to “get the other half and cash in on all the effort you’ve put forth so far” I would suggest you investigate kinesiology.
I am seeing my kinesiologist to install the positive belief “Everything is within my reach”.
I have found your method both useful and transformational. Over the last year I have eliminated beliefs where the source was events in my childhood to which I attached an unhelpful meaning.
I am now aware of a huge block which is not specifically of my making in any particular events in my childhood that I attached my meaning to. I am referring to the “glass ceiling”, the invisible impenetrable barrier to women and minorities moving up to the most powerful, prestigious and high paying positions.
I feel confident, good enough, important, worthy etc here, this side of the glass ceiling and I can see that opportunities exist there on the other side of this barrier. But I feel I didn’t create it – it existed before I was born – so how can I remove it?
Is TLM effective (useful and transformational) in addressing all the prejudices and biases and stereotyping that I and others have been subjected to over years by parents, teachers, peers, media etc. And if so, how?
Morty,
I’ve successfully used your technique to de-condition stimuli that cause negative feelings several times since learning of your method. It’s hard self-work, but always worth it. For stimuli which I interpret and assign meaning in my thinking brain, the approach has been splendid.
I have a traumatic brain injury. I’m searching for the right tool, if one exists, to de-condition the stimuli that immediately cause my id to respond, in a not-so-nice way. (Loud noises, multiple inputs, sensory overload – you get the idea.)
I sense your method is not the ideal tool for _these_ kinds of problems. If I’m wrong, please, let me know! Otherwise, are there other approaches or services you might recommend?
Hi Jamie,
Sorry, but I don’t have any experience using our processes with traumatic brain injuries so I don’t know if they would be useful.
Love, Morty
Does your wife’s Parenting the Lefkoe Way program provide the same transformational belief and conditioning elimination tools? My primary focus is becoming a better parent but beliefs I formed as a child are getting in the way. This post really hits home for me. I’ve read many “useful” parenting books, listened to insightful expert interviews, and purchased several parenting and personal development programs but there’s still a disconnect between how I intellectually know I want to be and how I actually live my life. I’ve considered both your program and Shelly’s but can’t decide which one will bring about the transformation I so desperately want for myself and my family.
Hi Angela,
Shelly’s parenting course provides useful information about parenting. Our Natural Confidence program is transformational in that it helps you eliminate the beliefs that get in the way of conscious parenting.
You can’t implement much of Shelly’s advice if you have beliefs in the way, but after you get the beliefs eliminated, you still need to know what to do, which Shelly’s program will teach you.
You can find Natural Confidence at http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence.
Love, Morty
What you say here is very similar to what I read many years ago in a book by John Bradshaw (I think it was Creating Love, but it might have been one of his others.) He wrote about 1st order and 2nd order change. I can’t remember now which was which, but I do remember that he wrote that until he experienced the transformational change he used the most up-to-date (and helpful) parenting books in a restrictive way, whereas afterwards he could see through what he was doing. I’ve noticed this too, particularly in parenting; on a course a friend learned she didn’t need to be a ‘good parent’, but a responsible parent. Different name, same stress.
I haven’t actually delved deeply into your process, but only because I already use 2 other processes that are similarly transforming, and I do think it’s very helpful so I do recommend the process (along with others) in articles I write. Even just to remember that I am giving meaning to something that could mean something completely different is very useful in the heat of the moment.
I certainly have experienced the difference between trying to implement new practices without and with transformation. Without transformation change feels like a struggle, with it, there’s no struggle and not even any need to think about change. That’s why I like processes like yours, The Sedona Method and the Work or Byron Katie. You just do the process and change happens.