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We all know people who are “victims”—people who view their lives through the filter: “It’s not my fault. They (or it) did it to me.” When you understand what the feeling of victimization really is, where it comes from, and how it affects people, you will discover it is even more widespread and debilitating than you might think.
The primary source of feeling like a victim is the feeling of powerlessness and, because we don’t like feeling that we are powerless, we tend to blame someone or something for causing that feeling. So we feel that we are a victim of circumstances or other people’s actions and we can’t do anything about it. Being a victim is experiencing yourself at the effect of something outside yourself.
Photo credit: jillallyn
Thus the single most important belief responsible for the feeling of victimization is I’m powerless. Other beliefs that could underlie this feeling include: I’ll never get what I want, People can’t be trusted, and Life is difficult.
Why feeling victimized is so debilitating
The reason feeling victimized is so debilitating is that it undermines your ability to do anything about your situation. If you are having difficulties in any area of your life, such as relationships or money, and you experience yourself as powerful and in control of your life, you can devise a strategy to improve your situation. And if one solution doesn’t work, you can learn from your experience and try again.
But if you have a victim mentality—in other words, if you feel powerless to affect your circumstances—you are likely to feel that the world is “doing it” to you and that there is nothing you can do about it.
That’s why this is one of the most devastating problems you can have: If you have any other problem, but see yourself as responsible for your situation, you have the ability to look for and implement a solution. If you have the problem of feeling victimized by life or other people, you are less likely to look for and implement a solution because you feel you can’t do anything about your situation.
Most victims can be identified by their conversation, which consists of a lot of “woe is me” and “it’s not my fault” language. However, there also is the “stoic” victim. Such people do not complain and keep a “stiff upper lip,” but underneath they experience a sense of victimization. Such people frequently don’t even let themselves know how they are feeling.
So victims are not just people who speak their victimization, but also those who have that experience underneath a veneer of confidence and “Everything’s okay; really it is.”
Typical characteristics of victims
Here are a few other important characteristics of victims:
- People who are victims usually don’t see that the only thing in common between all the people and situations they think they have been victimized by is themselves.
- Victims usually are people you can’t depend on, because they deny responsibility for their actions. They are quick to blame other people and situations for anything that doesn’t work in their lives.
- Victims don’t have resilience, which is the ability to quickly bounce back after being knocked down.
- Victims generally are passive.
- Victims are usually angry at the people or events they think have “done them wrong,” and underneath the feeling of anger is almost always the feeling of powerlessness.
- Successful people are rarely victims. One might be able to be a victim and still make money in rare cases, but usually it would be difficult for victims to be successful. To be successful you need to learn from your mistakes and try again. Victims are, by definition, people who do not acknowledge responsible for their actions and who blame outside forces.
So if you are a victim or know someone else who is, what can you do to help yourself or the other person? Fortunately, the source of this problem is similar to the source of almost every other problem: your beliefs. Reality and other people are not causing you to feel like a victim; your beliefs are. Get rid of the beliefs that cause the problem and the feeling of victimization will disappear for good.
Please share below any comments you have on my thoughts about victimization.
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If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to htp://www.recreateyourlife.com/free where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.
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copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe
I am looking for books about victimization, I am looking for anything that can educate me out of the cocktail of being victimized.
Hi Mark,
Books about vicitmiztion will not help. Living as a victin is the result of beliefs that can easily be eliminated. Know whyt you live that way will not stop it.
If you really want to stop living that way, get rid of the 19 beleifs and four conditionings on our Natural Confidence program. http://recreateyourlife.com/naturalconfidence. That will make a significant difference. And then if there is any trace of the problem remaining, a couple of private one-on-one phone sessions will totally eliminate the problem.
The sense of victimization can be eradicated, but not through “education.”
Love, Morty
The title of the post drew me for some reason – I’d never really consciously thought of myself as possessing a victim mentality – but after reading your description (especially blaming others, not recognizing themselves as the common denominator, etc.) I realized that is an absolutely fitting label, to how I’ve felt, thought and acted – especially the last several years. I’m glad I ran across this post, because it kinda of woke me up to an aspect of myself that I wasn’t fully acknowledging – which was an obstacle to realizing my own responsibility for my beliefs, and sense of power.
Hi Jason,
Glad to hear my post was useful in helping you realize sometime about yourself.
Thanks for writing.
Love, Morty
I think you can be successful in some areas of your life and unsuccessful in others. Some people are very successful in their careers, yet are in abusive relationships. Perhaps they don’t believe they deserve to succeed, so when others are cruel to them, it reminds them of who they think they really are–someone who’s not good enough. Therefore I do not agree with your statement that victims are people who are not “successful.” Maybe those same people would be victimized at their office, but if they do something on their own, they don’t run into the same types of problems. Look at Farrah Fawcett; she was a battered woman, but surely you can’t say she was a failure. Some have trouble finding a balance or maintaining good boundaries, yet they focus on certain skills.
Hi Mica,
I agree that being a victim does not preclude you being successful in some area of your life. But it is less likely.
Here is what I said:
Successful people are rarely victims. One might be able to be a victim and still make money in rare cases, but usually it would be difficult for victims to be successful. To be successful you need to learn from your mistakes and try again. Victims are, by definition, people who do not acknowledge responsible for their actions and who blame outside forces.
Thanks for taking the time to post.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty – Question: I pulled out a Taylor Johnson Temperament Anaylsis. I never really read it before, but under depressive, subjective, and hostile I come in as urgent improvent needed. At this point in my life I can see how these aspects have been nothing but trouble for me. Am I doomed to be a victim of my nature? Won’t I always revert back to the “real me”? Thanks for your work.
Hi Kim,
Being a victim is not anyone’s “nature.” The real you is not a victim. When you get rid of the beliefs and conditionings that cause you to have a victim attitude, that attitude will disappear.
And once the beliefs are gone, you will NOT revert back.
Love, Morty
Thanks for your answer Morty. To clarify upon my question, I don’t mean that we could be a victim “by our nature”, but be a victim “of our nature.” I think that the word temperament means a trait(s) that we are genetically pre-disposed to having. Can getting rid of beliefs and conditionings change the essential nature that we come into this world with?
No answer?
Fantastic report. I think it is aotslubely wonderful, although I am a parent of two daughters I was very affected by what my parents and siblings thought of me. I only recently came to terms with it so well to you for informing other parents how to raise their young.
Hi Morty,
I am convinced that I need your NC dvd-rom to eliminate a lot of my beliefs. I would like to order it over the phone as I feel more secure giving my credit card details that way.
Your blog on victimisation is superb. But so are most of your blogs.
I look forward to getting a tel number at your organisation so I can order the dvd.
Thanks Morty and bless you.
Kiran Patki
Hi Kiran,
You can reach us at (415) 506-4472.
Love, Morty
I recently realized that the “I’m powerless” belief extended, for me, to my organization. I had the belief “we’re powerless”. Even though I’d gotten rid of it personally, I still felt anger dealing with a sister organization that was much better funded and staffed than mine. I wonder if it’s just me or do many people take on core esteem beliefs not just of themselves, but about the organizations, countries, religions, etc., to which they belong?
To follow up to my own post, I left out a question: is it possible/better to eliminate beliefs that cause one to feel “I belong” to some larger group, or should I instead pursue getting rid of beliefs held because I see myself as a member of that group? Or is there a way to ‘optimize’ how much one sees oneself as part of a group (a little bit is healthy, too much is not)?
Hi Sean,
Members of an organization can clearly take on beliefs abut the organization, such as we will never succeed. You can as an individual recognize that you have formed that belief and eliminate it and then help others in the organization let it go.
A culture is essentially shared beliefs in an organization. Change the beliefs and you can make a filamentary change in the thinking and behavior in an organization.
Love, Morty
Victim mentality and slave mentality are pretty much the same.
Either state accepts that to “live” ie breathe, eat and reproduce, you must take whatever it is on the chin and get on with it. And then some people (who also accept) can have a vision that there is something more than the physical mechanics of life…. ie energy. Half the books in the world have been written about this conundrum. Slavery is rife in every society even today. We are all slaves to the bankers also.
If the status quo (however we see it) is taking us to mass extinction do we accept it? For my part I am prepared to do whatever I can (including dealing with my beliefs – what work I have done with Morty’s confidence course is the only thing I have ever done that has made a real lasting difference) to see the children alive and being born today free from an extrapolation of the slavery we are ALL acting out of – slavery to our beliefs.
What I can see is that the acceptance and the vision are both functions of belief systems. Both brutish and charitable behaviour are the result of what the person (and others around them) believe to be the ‘way’.
Humanity’s natural estate is a loving one. It is an axiom that can be seen as a common thread throughout the millennia we actually know about. Lauren is spot on in my view. Darwin was plain wrong in that his hypothesis pointed to the ‘fittest’ being also the strongest and the most brutish – the very basis of the beliefs of the majority, that lick the boots of those with the largest amount of money. How else can we feed the children and pay the rent?
That is fundamental to the belief upon which our society has been built for many centuries.
It’s not that beliefs as such are bad – hey I have a belief that red hot burns me and that’s one I am hanging on to, since walking on hot coals is not something I am going to do any time soon.
love, Jackie
Hi Jackie,
It was great reading your post. Thanks so much for your contribution. It adds a lot to people reading my blog.
Love, Morty
Very good words, however there should be a bit on ‘acceptance’.
Say for instance a person feels victim… ie, unemployed, says they will never get a job because society/economy/younger applicants (whatever) is against them.
Ok… non victim attitude is “i will try different avenues to get a job”.
At what point is it in better interests instead of building up ‘strength’ (which can be hardness, toughness, closing off negative feedbacks from others but not being able to prevent the side effect of closing off other good emotional feelings) should a person also consider acceptance.
For the unemployed person have the thought (say after several hundred job applications) “I may never get a job but I am going to enjoy my life and learn how to live on a small income”. Same for finding a lover, getting an nice home etc.
Some people the chance of getting ‘what they want’ is so slim that there must be a point to cut out the ‘positive’ hopeful outlook and the continuous disappointments and instead of expending huge amounts of time and energy looking for an unlikely result simply accept things as they are and improve on those areas they already have.
And I would think that many people are basically competive and not nice. The people that come to visit self improvement/awareness sites are not the ones out there victimising others, it is a limited sample of humanity.
Oh, and i’m not umemployed… i’m happily ‘self employed’.
good work anyway Monty
Kris,
I just read your post and I disagree with the following statement:
“Some people the chance of getting ‘what they want’ is so slim that there must be a point to cut out the ‘positive’ hopeful outlook and the continuous disappointments and instead of expending huge amounts of time and energy looking for an unlikely result simply accept things as they are and improve on those areas they already have.”
“Disappointments” is a label you put on actions that don’t turn out as you would wish. What do you mean by “unlikely result”? I may be interpreting this incorrectly, but I see “accepting things as they are” as giving up and giving in. As Morty says, “What do you know for sure?” about any action a person takes or what the future holds? How do we know what we’re capable of unless we try?
I also disagree with your definition of strength. The strongest people in the world are the ones who are in contact with all their emotions. Your definition sounds like the “stiff upper lip” mentality that refuses to acknowledge any softer feelings. Inventors throughout history are known for their persistence and did not “just accept things as they are”. They continued “expending huge amounts of time and energy” in the face of people who said, “just accept things as they are and improve on things you already have.” When you have a passion for something, “disappointments” don’t exist, they are called “learning experiences.” Like Edison’s lightbulbs.
As for the people who come to these sites, they are “the change that we see in the world.” We may be a “limited sample of humanity”, but it is from small beginnings that great things happen. To me “acceptance” means seeing yourself as you really are, both as the creation and the creator. And the endless possibilities…
Love and Light,
Lauren
Goodness always prevails and multiplies :-)
Kris,
Lauren did a good job of saying much of what I would have said.
You can never predict the future based on the past because circumstances can always change.
You can be realistic about what is at the moment and continue to work toward your goals.
Being a victim is about a mentality, not events.
Love, Morty
Dear Morty et al
All of this discussion applies to me. A real live proper
little victim that nobody could help feeling sorry for
as a child. … a war baby – maybe a victim generation.
How stiff can an upper lip get? :-)) mine was… it
had to be or I’d set everybody else off and I really got
that was a BAD idea.
And now Lauren’s letter could so easily have been
signed by me pretty much word for word…. just
replace the word ‘nope’ with “look now is not the time”
(saucy litle git – that’s brit slang)
I have some belief work to do and just knowing that and
having this blog to support me lightens the load but
it still means I need to do the work… and what do you
know my son ‘needed’ the money so I have 3 weeks to
wait until I can order.
having done what work I have I just know it’s me and I.
At the same time your system is so clean and simple that
no end of reasons can get their tentacles around the
obvious fact that just knowing something is not going
to give me any lasting relief. (read a book? stay the same.
go to a seminar? stay the same). wiser yes and inspired
yes – but like Tolle’s pain body analogy the belief or pain
body won’t go away until you shine a light on it – ie tell
the truth. The truth can stop a brutish animal in it’s
tracks and often does.
I want to thank you Morty. This blog is rocket fuel for my
day – and thank all of you for your contributions. and Laura
thank you too. The victim mindset has subsumed my lads
and even pulls me in though I’m really really wise – honest
I am :-).
Love Jackie
Hi Jackie,
Thanks for your comments. I am just about to write my post for next week and reading how useful my posts are to you gives me inspiration to write again this week.
Please let me know about the changes you see after you complete the NC program.
Love, Morty
To Nola:
I think you must have missed the point of Morty’s statement. What he’s saying there is that people who go through life seeing their experiences as negative and blaming others for them, don’t see that the common denominator in all their life problems and situations is themselves. The rest of the cast changes by the minute. But the person with a victim mentality doesn’t see that, they see everyone else in their lives as victimizers.
A good analogy for this is the person who has a long string of failed relationships and can’t see that the only person involved in every one of them is them. And if they continue to be blind to that fact, they will continue to have failed relationships.
My daughter is a”victim” and only sees others as the cause of her problems. And because she doesn’t take responsibility for them, she seems to have an amazing number of problems. This is also a perfect example of the Law of Attraction working against her. But that’s probably an article for a different blog.
Owen
Hi Owen,
Thanks for answering for me. You said essentially what I would have said.
It’s great to have community participation in my weekly blog posts.
Love, Morty
“People who are victims usually don’t see that the only thing in common between all the people and situations they think they have been victimized by is themselves” — This statement is pretty unassailable, but also on examination pretty meaningless. It ‘s essentially the same as “People who are winners usually don’t see that the only thing in common …they think they have won is themselves.” In other words, people all think they are the center of their own universe because they are. Especially self-helpers.
Hi morty i will begin by admitting that i am already aware of the concept of victimization behavior. i am registered to many websites dedicated to personal development and among them les brown website. so he and his partner paul martinelli made a personal development scale with the lowest level called animal level and the uppest level called mastery level. so the animal level according to that scale is caracterized basically by the victimization behavior. so i have been working on myself to eliminate that behavior. nevertheless this blog post highlights even more and deepen my understanding of the devastating effects of the victimization behavior and how to overcome it. thank you so much morty.
Hi Paul,
I don’t think you can directly stop the victim mentality and behavior. It is caused by beliefs and I think you will have to eliminate the appropriate beliefs before the victim mentality can stop totally.
Thanks for taking the time to contribute to the conversation.
Love, Morty
Morty,
Liked the article; as usual you get to the heart of the matter. I asked my son to read this because I thought it might help his own feelings of victimization. He is currently in therapy twice a month. I said, “So what did you think of it?” He immediately started talking how other people are like that and in denial, etc. “Did it help you see how you do that to yourself?” Nope. Then, I said, “You just want to see it in other people and not yourself.” He didn’t say anything. I felt this blog was esp. important for him because he’s in a mind set of blaming others for the way he is. I know I did the best I could with what I knew in raising him and I am hoping he will come to a point in his own life where he’ll recognize his own “victim” traits and dissolve them. For now, I operate from a standpoint of self-honesty and hope the changes I’ve made will influence him to dissolve his own beliefs and live from self-strength.
Love and Light,
Lauren
Your son needs your love and acceptance
more than your critquing and criticism
even though you are trying to help
your are criticizing him
try problem solving step by step with him
do something fun together
try some compassion
help him figure out solutions
break down the problem and give him choices
what would happen if… I did this…
I tried that…..
solution #3
help him with time management
maybe it is just a stage
he will take after you if you show him love
if he does not feel your love
he may rebel against you depending on his age
life is difficult for kids today
there is a lot of pressure
violence in the media
and lack of hope and
control over ones own life
too much homework for children
maybe sign him up for big brothers program
I do love and accept my son or else I wouldn’t want to help him find a path in life that encourages his strengths and interests. As for the rebellion, I know he wants us to see him as an individual person. Yet, knowing all this, he still blames other people and doesn’t admit to his own self-limiting beliefs. My son is 28 years old and it’s time for him to forge his own way in life. I treat him like a man and respect his opinions. In the past he took on beliefs based on the way my husband and I raised him. I freely admit that. As for compassion, it is a bottomless well. He lost his sister when he was young and this has affected him. Time management skills would be excellent for him. And Morty had a suggestion too. Thank you for your comments; they helped me clarify some issues.
Love and Light,
Lauren
Hi Lauren,
Would he be willing to have one session with me?
Love, Morty
I’m an “out” gay entertainer and I frequently recieve jibes /ridicule from other (heterosexual) performers who seem to need to ( try to) assert thier alleged superiority over me with insults -ridicule-hostility. I survive it because I’m pretty strong interally – it still hurts emotionally. Are those gays kids who killed themselves not “victims” of bullying? How about Mathew Shepard or Jews in Nazi Germany – or blacks who were lynched in the US South? Is victimization “just” a belief of powerlessness we have? I don’t buy it sorry. Also I wish the self-help community would acknowledge the reaosn any of us need to be more assertive or have ambitions is because human beings are still bascially -for the most part- competitive and therefore naturally nasty brutish animals – and survival of the fittest is part of the human potential stategy. Is that my “belief” or is it an accurate objective observation? It’s not all touchy-feely. Oppression exsists and it’s not the minorities fault.Blame the victim?
Hi Rob,
I apologize if you took my post today to mean that I was blaming the victim. That is far from my intention.
I am talking about a victim mentality, which is experienced as powerlessness and blaming others for everything that doesn’t work in one’s life.
That does not at all mean that people don’t do bad things to others. Gays, blacks, women, certain religious groups, etc. are treated badly by lots of people. At any given moment, any individual can be victimized by someone else.
But such people can respond: what can I do to respond, to deal with this situation, to change this situation, to protect myself, etc.? Or they can respond: That’s life. There’s nothing I can do.
The latter attitude is what I was writing about.
You also wrote: human beings are still basically -for the most part- competitive and therefore naturally nasty brutish animals – and survival of the fittest is part of the human potential strategy.
Based on my experience in helping over 13,000 people directly and over 70,000 indirectly (using DVDs and Internet products) I disagree totally. What you call “naturally nasty brutish animals” is nothing more than beliefs. When the beliefs that cause such behavior have been eliminated, people change. And a lot of people are not like that even before eliminating beliefs.
Again, please accept my apology if I did not clearly distinguish between real victimization by others and a victim mentality.
Love, Morty
Morty,
I’ve long held the opinion that people who view themselves as victims, always blaming someone or something other than themselves, will always continue to suffer.
Since they believe they have no power over their own circumstances, they’re waiting for someone else to improve their lives. But, in my experience with two family members who are that way, when someone offers a way to improve things, they don’t want it because if they used what was offered, they could no longer blame someone else. They’d have to take responsibility for their situations and they’re not willing to do that.
I think included in the formula is a strong fear of failure and if they fail, they would have to blame themselves; they’re not willing to do that, either.
As for beliefs, I think it’s safe to say most “victims” are people with self-esteem issues.
Owen
Hi Owen,
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I agree totally with your comments. They are a useful addition to my post.
Love, Morty
Hi,
People can also have the belief that “I’m a victim” or “I’m a victim of lousy parenting/bad luck/neglect/etc”. But a sense of powerlessness & helplessness does accompany all of those beliefs, as mentioned in your post. Still, they require separate work.
From my own experience, the ego usually tries to win the attention & approval-support of others by acting like a victim or the ego tries to “be apathetic & do nothing” and starts waiting for someone or something outside of them to fix their issues for them. And even if through pure luck that may happen, their victim consciousness still remains the same & would continue to cause them great distress until the beliefs that underly their victim-mentality are totally eliminated.
Out of curiosity, have you ever thought of making belief programs about God/spirituality, sexuality & sex, death & the afterlife? I imagine that a lot of people have negative beliefs about those topics, I sure did & to some degree still do. Just would like to know.
Thanks!
Hi Rasmus,
No, we never thought about such belief packages. They haven’t come up much in our private sessions.
It can be dangerous to talk about the “ego” as a thing with power of its own. I don’t see it that way and it can contribute to a sense of powerlessness and victimization if there is this thing called an ego that has such power over your life.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
Your post brings the victim mentality into sharp focus, in a way that gets me thinking about my own tendencies to play the victim.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether complaints, grievances, and protestations can ever be legitimate and worthwhile to you.
Peace,
Christopher
Hi Christopher,
Sure, there are a lot of valid complaints. Being a victim is a mental attitude, how you deal with adverse circumstances — not whether adversity ever happens. It does.
Love, Morty
Morty,
This is so true. Atleast it was true that I felt like a victim in the past until I got rid of the belief “I am powerless”. Now I feel no one can make me feel low or belittle me (doesn’t matter what they do or say). Somehow the usual ego that I had when I felt someone behaved a certain way is going down. I still at times do react to situations (it is probably a conditioning, I have not yet done that part of the DVD) but it is almost as if I am angry only at a surface level and what I say or think don’t seem to be so negative anymore (atleast this what I heard from my husband :D ). Thanks for bringing this to humanity, people need it.
Hi Bindu,
Yes, that one belief can make a big difference. Complete the entire NC program and you’ll feel even more freedom.
Love, Morty
The interresting thing about the victim mindset is that when people are in it, they are blind to the fact that they are in it. So it’s a catch-22, they can’t see they’re in it, so they’re in a state where they aren’t response-able, so they’re not looking for the solutions that would take them past that mindset and become resonse-able in their lives.
Hi Renee,
It’s great to have someone on the outside help them realize the state they are in.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty, In my case, where I used to feel powerless was to make the changes in myself. I could not find the tools. Therapy – much more self-awareness, and also learning very different “rules” – like it’s okay to be angry, rather than (old family rule) bad to be angry. But how to break the grip of inner stuff? There were changes. But lots wasn’t undone. This past year, I’ve come to the best tools I’ve found yet – including your Lefkoe Belief Process (great tool!), and also meridian tapping (EFT) and a bunch of chi exercises.
Hi Elsa,
Glad you found the tools you needed.
Thanks for posting.
Love, Morty