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After posting on my blog a couple of weeks ago about how I felt totally safe to experience and express the love I felt for people at the Transformational Leadership Council meeting, but not most of the time away from TLC, I received the following comment:
If you are the creator of the Natural Confidence program and I’m assuming you removed all the beliefs and conditionings on that program, then how could you not feel as safe expressing your love with anyone you run into? Please explain. Thank you.
Here was my reply.
I’ve not only eliminated all the beliefs on that program, I’ve eliminated a couple of hundred more. But each issue or problem in our lives is caused by a different set of beliefs and conditionings.
And so while I’ve gotten rid of my depression and my neediness and my concern with the opinion of others, etc., I have still not handled every issue in my life. And not feeling safe to express love all the time is one of the issues I still have to work on.
And I plan to see what beliefs are causing that in the next week or so and getting this issue handled.
Thanks for asking.
Regards, Morty
I did work on this issue as I said I would and here is what I discovered.
I couldn’t find any relevant beliefs, but I did find two different types of conditioning.
Here’s how I identified the first one. There is some low level of anxiety when I feel people are “not there” when I talk to them, when I feel they are not “fully present,” or when I don’t feel fully accepted.
The source of this conditioning was how my mom frequently acted when I was a kid. She divorced when I was only three and struggled being a single mom with no money. As a result of her constant stress and anxiety, and her frequent hysterical outbursts, I had a sense that she wasn’t really “with me” much of the time we were together and frequently felt rejected.
Feeling that my mom was not fully present or was rejecting me when I was very young meant to me that she didn’t love me, which meant I could be abandoned, which meant I would die, which caused my the anxiety. So people not being fully present with me or withdrawn from me got conditioned to cause anxiety. I eliminated this conditioning with the Lefkoe Stimulus Process.
The second conditioning required me to use a different process, the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process. This conditioning arose as follows: Because I felt fear when it seemed my mother seemed to be withdrawn from me, I shut down my body and my feelings to keep from feeling anxiety in that situation. Because the anxiety diminished when I shut down, shutting down became a conditioned response.
In other words, when a behavior is rewarded (in this case, the anxiety stopped), the behavior gets conditioned. In order to not feel fear when I feel people are not fully present around me, or when I don’t feel safe around them for any reason, my body and emotions shut down. I eliminated this conditioning with the Lefkoe De-conditioning Process.
I think the issue is handled, but I’ll watch carefully over the next few weeks. If there are any traces of the old behavior pattern, I’ll look to see what beliefs or other conditioning might still exist. I am really looking forward to being able to “be myself” and experience and express my love for people without regard to how other people are acting.
For more details on the first type of conditioning please see two earlier blog posts, on 050509 and 032310.
Please share any comments you have on these thoughts on my difficulties experiencing and expressing love in certain types of situations and how I dealt with that problem.
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copyright © 2010 Morty Lefkoe
Hi Morty,
Expressing love is an issue I am working on right now. Your post is helping a lot to become aware of the nature of the subtleties of the problem. I am beginning to get that the earlier we go for the source experiences of a problem first, the easier it becomes to eliminate relevant beliefs. This is also about why we avoid/procrastinate eliminating some beliefs. We develop some beliefs to cope with earlier beliefs. This might mean if we are avoiding any thought/issue in our mind, there are deeper causes that we don’t want to face. Our minds are like icebergs and most people are only aware of their tips. I think it would be great if you put more beliefs/conditionings in your programs, or provide example lists containing which beliefs are generally associated with which behavioral patterns. Most people aren’t aware that they need to eliminate tens of beliefs for major problems and keep on fighting themselves all their lives.
Love,
Erdal
Hi Erdal,
Good to hear from you.
We will create additional programs in the future. The point is, eliminating beliefs is not what’s important. Getting rid of all the beliefs that cause specific problems is the goal, so the problem will disappear.
Some problems, like a lack of confidence or worrying about what people think of you, are similar for many people. So many people have the same beliefs causing the problem.
Other problems, like relationship problems, are different for different people. So it is hard to create a package of beliefs that would work for most people.
I do try to tell people regularly that getting rid of a problem requires getting rid of a bunch of beliefs.
And finally, you need to get the source of a belief, and the source of most self-esteem type beliefs is interactions with parents during the first 4-6 years of life.
Love, Morty
Have you ever study the course ‘Eneagram’? It become a very hot course recently. It can help you to identify yourself and then teach you how to improve it in the future. Everyone can find a position in it… Hope it can help!
Hi Danny,
Thanks for the suggestion. Other have told me about it in and past but I’ve never done it.
At the moment I’m really have using the processes I’ve developed on myself.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
You discovered a particular pattern (in this case, not feeling secure to express love) that you want to investigate.
How do you actually go about figuring out the root belief or the room conditioning? What is that you do in order to discover a link to the specific source?
When you say “it was not a belief, it was a conditioning”. So, how did you arrive at it?
Thank you,
Alexey
Hi Alexey,
I wish I could answer you in a couple of sentences. It actually takes us the better part of a three-day weekend training to teach people how to find all the relevant beliefs and conditionings that cause a given behavioral or emotional problem.
And once you get get some training, you keep learning from experience.
When we discover that most people with a given problem have pretty much the same beleifs and conditionings, we are able to make a DVD to help people get rid of that problem. But with problems where the beliefs and conditionings are different for different people, we can’t offer a DVD and people need personal, one-on-one phone sessions.
Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
Love, Morty
Morty,
Addressing your article about your questioning the meaning you attached to your actions, may I suggest what you are experiencing is an energetic thing associated with identity, which is a higher level element of you BS-Belief System than simply your lower level beliefs that comment on events that transpire.
From an energy POV, Beliefs are simply charged or held energy known as a polarity. Polarities are not good/bad they are either aligned or out of alignment – (energy [i.e.love] either flows or is blocked or shorted out).
The main reason it seems that you are afraid to express love is not your feeling of safe/not safe. Even though there is a very easy way to remove the charge from these two polarities or you can apply one of your methods to remove the charge. Even with the charge removed (or the belief removed) you may still find yourself in experiences in which you give the meaning “afraid to express love”.
The main reason you give the meaning you give of “I’m afraid to express love” is the energetic constriction that you give the meaning to of “I am a Separate Individual”.
When the energetic constriction that you give the meaning of ‘separate individual’ to expands you lose the sense of separation and there is no expression of love only a being of love.
Oh and btw, in actuality what you give the meaning of “afraid to express love” is simply love showing up as fear of being self. It is neither good/bad, right/wrong only beingness being.
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter
Hi Houston,
Ultimately I agree with you. Most of our problems arise from thinking we are a creation, separate from other individuals and from the rest of the universe.
When we allow ourselves to experience our own divinity, the problems dissolve.
But as I write in an earlier message to you, most of us aren’t in touch with our divinity most of the time, so we are run by our beliefs and conditionings.
My personal objective and what I want to offer the rest of the world is a way to free the creation from its self-imposed restrictions (beliefs and conditionings) and at the same time deeply experience who we really are using the WAIR? Process.
Love, Morty
My personal objective and what I want to offer the rest of the world is a way to free the creation from its self-imposed restrictions (beliefs and conditionings) and at the same time deeply experience who we really are using the WAIR? Process.
Love, Morty
Morty,
I pretty much am aware of your objective and support you in that endeavor to help individuals free themselves from self-imposed limitations and experience who they really are. Your processes are fabulous and fantastic tools to help folks in that direction.
Your mission is to help people become aware of their capabilities as created beings and I was speaking to the aspect of you that realizes it is both the creator and the created.
An old friend and mentor of yours had a statement that I combine with what one that a friend and mentors of mine uses…
“Understanding is the booby prize. The mind is a terrible thing to use, so stop using it.”
I have process designed to remove the charge(s) created by beliefs and help free up the energy constriction that usually keeps people identifying with a separate individual self. So that one, more and more moves through life, not with the sense of ‘separate individual’, and experiences more and more the oneness of everything.
This is not a mental construct or a belief, it is actual experience. The belief or story one makes up is irrelevant as the experience is already had and can be repeated and duplicated.
So if you every want to deal with the challenge of why or how after doing the great work and processes you use you still find experience(s) of seemingly being “afraid to express love” I will be glad to help.
I also understand that what you were writing wasn’t heading in the direction of the looking, or asking, for help so much as a springboard into others things that you may want to introduce or the applying of your processes in specific way.
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter
Hi Houston,
While I am always interested in learning new methods that will make a difference in my life. I think I handled the issue when I de-conditioned two conditionings that I had never realized I had.
I still find subtle issues in my life that I’ve never worked on directly that I still need to work on.
That’s fine. Life is a journey and I keep learning and growing every day.
Love, Morty
Morty,
What about a belief I’m not lovable?
Hi Tecla,
That is a belief that could lead one to be afraid to express love, except I didn’t have that particular belief.
Love, Morty
Please teach the rest of these internet hooligans how to write and reesarch!
Hi Lauren, I was glad to get your comment – including that you were very affectionate until you were told not to be so loving. Hurt people teaching a similar hurt to their children. Your comment brought back a somewhat similar memory (only one, but powerful). Most, I loved it, having you remember the same photograph.
I understand so well shutting down, conditioning oneself to turn feelings off because having them just causes anxiety.
There’s a famous photograph from the depression (of the 1930’s, not of an inner depression). A mother is holding a young child to her while looking off worried into the distance. The mother is burdened by poverty and worry. What does the child experience?
I’ve always seen that photograph from the mother’s perspective – it’s a powerful, even haunting photograph. But what about from the child’s perspective?
I am attracted to that picture, too, but never looked at it from the child’s perspective. Will there be that “not being present” because the mother is focused more on the future than what is happening right then and there? Perhaps we’re attracted to it because it is a reminder, not of the poverty and the worry, but because we know, deep down inside, that living in the present, is the place to find the solutions?
I like the way Morty shares his own negative conditionings and how he deals with them so that we can see that it isn’t “impossible”. I bought my husband the book of one hundred pictures from Life magazine for Christmas one year and this pic is in it. Love and Light
PS I was a very loving and affectionate child until my parents told me over and over and over not to be so loving, so that only now am I “re-discovering” that affection and love in my own heart.
Hi Elsa,
Yes, we form beliefs and get conditioning from our parents early in life and they affect us until the day we die, unless we eliminate them.
That’s why I’m so excited to have developed a series of process that will eliminate them.
Thanks for taking the time to contribute to our conversation.
Love, Morty
Morty,
Out of curiosity what would happen if you applied the 1st Forgotten Fundamental of an Exquisite Life, namely… “The Individual is the Meaning Maker” which would allow you to take on the Meta-Belief of “I am Creator of all I experience and it is simply the extension of me, memories and all.” And as you began to feel this new belief as your experience, do you not see and feel that displaying or withholding love is an attempt to limit or pretend you don’t love you. As the meaning maker what would it feel like to experience everything and everyone as extensions of you (self).
To Your Best,
Houston
Dr. Vetter
Hi Houston,
When you are truly experiencing yourself as the creator/meaning maker/non-dual space, then you have transcended your beliefs and they aren’t running you.
But most of us don’t live in that space most of the time, so we need to make the creation/the little self as healthy as possible and give it as much freedom as possible.
Thanks for the comment.
Love, Morty
would like to purchase your products via mail service. I am a Canadian citizen is this available?
Hi Chapinm,
Yes, we can ship to Canada and anyplace else in the world.
Just put your address in the order and we’ll send it there.
Let me know what you think of our product after you use it.
Love, Morty
wow–did I relate to this one. My mother (and no blame there of course) also was frequently very stressed due to having a big household to run and 6 kids and little money. I am second to youngest and it was very hard to get her attention. As an adult, I understand why she was so distracted… but of course that conditioning…the shutting down ratehr than expressing myself..is still there. Recently I did an experiement where I chose to make myself express myself to someone I cared for by opening up about a project I am working on, as she does with me. I rarely discuss these things with anyone. UNFORTUNATELY the person’s response was to completely ignore it. and weeks later has basically shunned me (and I have no idea why) and not said one word about my project. So… very unfortunately the conditioning has been re-inforced in a huge way.
Not sure what my point was with that but just saying I can totally relate to what you described about shutting down. It is my first response, totally unintentional, if I am talking (or communicating in any way–via phone, email, or any medium, and I feel they are absent or not present and listening then I just fade out and shut down. This is usually accompanied by sadness or anger after. And no matter what my intellect says about hwo I am being irrational ..it doesn’t matter. That is just what I do. I hope to work through it like you are doing.
Chris (The different one)
I have learned that the person’s response has absolutely nothing to do with you or your project. It has to do with their own belief systems and conditioning. You can’t accept responsibility for their actions. The fact is, the person has withdrawn from you, but what that actually means…only that person knows. You have taken a huge step towards changing your behaviors and changing your life. Keep taking the risk.
Of course, I am Queen of Shut Down. My fiance sent me this link today because I desperately need to see it and learn from it. I know what I say is true. I just need to learn how to incorporate it into my own life.
Hi Chris,
I can totally relate to your experience.
And when you eliminate the relevant beliefs and conditionings the fear will be gone and you will feel free to express your love or anything else you want to express.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
Great article for many that can relate, including myself.
I have a follow up questions if you could clarify with an answer.
You mention that you’ve already resolved your depression and neediness. I am pretty confident that I’m not needy or desperate on any level, but just want to be polite and friendly to people wanting only the same back from them.
In very practical terms, how would you fearlessly express your love (being open and honest, give complements, smile and share a good word) without appearing needy or simply scaring people off? In other words, how to share the love without having your actions seem exaggerated?
Do you go all the way with the love, and if people can’t handle it (aren’t fully present, don’t listen to understand, comment on everything you say, etc.), just either move on or tone down the love?
Thanks for your thoughts.
Chris
You can only control your own actions not the reactions of others. In other words you are worrying about something you have no control of. As long as you are genuine in your expressions of love do not fear what the reactions of other may be. Some may be accepting others not. Remember you are not expressing love looking for approval but doing it because that is your authentic self. ~ Peer
Hi Chris,
If you are needy, then that neediness will be expressed in some subtle form when you communicate with people. If you are not needy, then it can’t be communicated, no matter what you are communicating.
Also, getting rid of my fear of communicating love doesn’t mean I stop looking to see what is appropriate with different people in different situations.
Love, Morty
i am afraid to express love because i feel i may be rejected or i may be told not to act childish . .
Hi Kashmira,
If you have beliefs and conditioning causing you to be afraid to express love, you won’t. When you eliminate those beliefs and conditionings you will feel free to experience and express the love you have for others.
Love, Morty
Hi Morty,
I find it encouraging how you work on yourself and share your insights. As a human being we will always have issues to be solved, that is meant to be so as part of our experience in this bodily life.
Thank you
Silvia
Hi Silvia,
I’m happy that sharing my personal experiences are useful to you.
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Love, Morty
Each time I read your texts,, my search of being a better woman get a new gas, a new hope that helps the constructio of a better human being on me!
Thanks for not passed through life only living!
Your way of advicing and sharing with us your values and experiences is the really proof of your great heart!
Here in Brazil we suffer a lot the caresss of people like you.
I’ve been trying to create a Personal Development Suggestios blog to share with all my friends. And I included the links you sent for all of them!
Your methods are done to be share!
Att.
Marcia
Hi Marcia,
I’m thrilled that our work is useful to you.
And thanks for sharing our work with your friend.
Have a great day.
Love, Morty
Dear Morty,
So after reading this article, I’m not exactly sure what I was supposed to get out of it – a person is supposed to have removed 100s of beliefs and use your new LDP and LSP in order to be able to express love freely with most people that they come in contact with? The Natural Confidence program contains 19 beliefs that you can remove – it sounds like a person needs to remove tons more beliefs to become a well-adjusted, confident person. How come the Natural Confidence program doesn’t contain more beliefs?
Hi Jeff,
You weren’t supposed to get anything specific from it. Everyone gets something different. And you got that you’re supposed to remove hundreds of beliefs and use the de-conditioning programs.
Some people don’t have the problem I had. And some people might be able to get rid of that problem by eliminating beliefs. Everyone is different. There is no one size fits all.
You seem to assume there is a specific amount of work to do on oneself and then you’re done. No, life is a journey and you grow all the time. There are always improvements you can make. I am learning and improving all the time (which is one of the messages of this post).
If the NC program had 100 beliefs a lot of people wouldn’t be able to afford it (it would have taken me 5 times as long to make it and cost 5 times as much) and it still wouldn’t have contained all the beliefs that anyone might need to handle any possible problem.
Thanks for writing.
Regards, Morty
Hello Morty,
To supplement your own work, may I suggest you look into Marshall Rosenberg’s “Non-Violent Communication” work at http://www.cnvc.org. I recently attended an intensive training, and I can assure you that many, if not most people, left having experienced an intense feeling/sharing of love at a deep level. It was magical!!
I am new to your work, and enjoying it. Have placed an order on Amazon for your book. Looking forward to it … and thanking you.
Marnette
Hi Marnette,
I have a bunch of techniques that will help me (and others) with any problem, including the fear of expressing love. I used them and the fear is now gone.
But thanks for the suggestion anyway.
Have you had a chance to try our belief-elimination process yet? If not try it at http://recreateyourlife.com. No charge.
Let me know what you think.
Regards, Morty